From last thread: Alison, your eldest sounds wonderful. I feel sad for your H that he is missing out on that, just as I feel sad for my H that he's missing out on my kids, especially youngest. He may be a teen and have his moments but he's fantastic. Also, my GP was hopeless beyond belief about hormone stuff but I came up with one idea with her (my suggestion, seriously I am not sure she has medical qualifications!) and will stick with that for 3 months before switching options (and a different doctor!)
Journalling: today I had another leap forward. Not sure why, I suddenly feel much lighter and more like myself. I've had these moments before and they have been wonderful but temporary but this feels kind of new. I feel more detached (it's a process I think, just like everything). I took ds2 to his activity this afternoon and we were joking about in the car and I did not feel that DRAG of sadness which has been underneath everything for, well, 9 months now. I was counting back to how long it's been since BD and it's almost exactly 9 months. I'm not sure whether this is related! Part of it is looking back and realising how far I've come emotionally, I no longer feel like someone has ripped my skin off. I no longer cry in the car, in the bus, in the train, in shops, in the street, in bed, in petrol stations. I can even suffer the odd R talk from H and still not feel like I'm falling apart. I can make plans for the future even if they don't include H.
I still love my H. I miss him. I would like to R. I would love to have a much better M with him. But for now, I accept how things are. I have scars from this utter heartbreak, which has been the most painful experience of my life. But those scars have healed and I am a much stronger person for it. And I'm capable of feeling happiness again. Feeling joy is one of my gifts, and I've been deprived of it for so long. I've had some very lovely times with friends since BD, but there has always been an undercurrent of heartbreak and loss underneath it all which has got in the way of enjoying myself fully. It's very nice not to feel it at least for a little while.
