You're a kind woman, Dilly. I hope he has a relaxing time too. And that he misses you. But not too relaxing. It will do him good to have an insight into what it is to run a household and take care of teenagers. Perhaps it will go some way to heal their relationship, or at the very least, prompt him into noticing that he's hurt them and it needs some action on his part to heal them. I know H is in my very very bad books at the moment, but I can say he's been making more and more effort with the kids since he left. They often mention to me how grumpy and gripey he's been when he's been with them, but he is doing his best to make time for them and he does worry about them and has been better at giving praise and showing affection than he's been in about two years. I applaud you for being able to forgive him for the ways he has hurt you and injured your marriage (and continues to do so) - a much harder thing to forgive the father who abandons his children, I think. Especially as he knows what that is like himself.
Yes, well of course he is in massive denial about having abandoned his kids. Gave me the whole 'I'd do anything for my kids except be unhappy' talk, yuck. Everything apart from look hard at himself and work out how to stay part of this family. He did tend to mostly ignore them when he was home at the weekends, and in the evenings he'd mostly shout at them for being noisy, so in a way he was abandoning us all anyway, just with him technically living here. He has been making more effort with them since he left, after the first few months when he was in a deep funk. I think he is really struggling with the kids being teens, much more so than me which is ironic given I've always been the one doing the day to day stuff. I do keep him informed about the kids and what they're up to so that he knows what's going on in their lives, though sometimes ds1 asks me specifically not to mention things to H and then I have to respect that. They come out eventually though and then I have to say that he asked me not to say anything, I can see that's hurtful to him but he has broken their trust, not just mine, in living elsewhere (I don't say that, but he has to live with the consequences of his actions here).
Anyway, I have quite a few things going on for the next month on weekends, so he is going to come home and take ds2 to his activities for 3 weeks out of 4. He commented on this yesterday but it wasn't in a complaining way, it was just pointing it out to me. Maybe I should have expressed appreciation, perhaps I will. He used to have a very negative way of speaking when he had to look after the kids or do stuff with them. It was very much the 'babysitting' mentality but luckily he seems to have realised that seeing them is a gift not a chore. I hope he does heal his relationship with them a bit, I know he loves them but struggles to show it. A bit like with me perhaps?
I had a doctor's appointment this morning and he rang to ask how it went, that was thoughtful of him.
H has struggled with Eldest more and more as he's got into his teens too. I suspect it's about compliance - H simply does not have the skills to be empathic, validate, set boundaries in a calm and healthy way - all essential parts of being a parent to a teenager. I was pretty rubbish at it myself, actually - the family therapy session we had really helped me learn to stand up for myself a bit and not accept the kind of backchat and attitude I was regularly getting from Eldest just because it was normal teenage behaviour. Things between them are a lot easier now - though I can still see Eldest seeking validation and approval from H and H being just too self-absorbed and miserable or inflexible to dish it out. I know - because he's told me - he sees warmth and affection as part of a bartering system, and while he feels Eldest (and me) are in 'debt' to him due to poor behaviour on our parts (in his estimation) he is unable to give it without feeling like he's 'betrayed' himself. It's a horrible way to look at family relationships and is, I think, the reason why he's so isolated and lonely. Eldest is really, really hard work but he's also a very sensitive and affectionate person, and H is missing out on so much of his humour and love and seeing the way he's grown and developed over the past few months. Eldest made me and Youngest lunch yesterday - and shoed me out of the kitchen when I tried to help and told me to take a rest. I nearly passed out!!
How did your drs appointment go? Did you have any better suggestions for how to handle or treat the hormonal stuff? I am not there yet (I am 36) but I have friends who found great help with the patches and very little side effects.
Please start a new thread and link your two threads together.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
