Sorry not trying to beat a dead horse here but validation is very important and so often misunderstood. I'm reading a lot of great comments on it here and hope a lot of people pop in and read it all!
Originally Posted by dillydaf
OK, so validating as far as I can see is demonstrating using words that you understand someone else's feelings and accept them. Not that you agree with them, not that you take blame, not that you act defensive or argue with them and not that you tell them they have got the wrong interpretation, not that you push the Fixit button. Because their feelings are their feelings and they are entitled to them just as we are entitled to our own feelings. And having someone else understand your feelings is nice, especially if you feel like you're aggrieved and misunderstood, as our spouses have done for years (and as we probably have done too, let's be honest, but we are being the bigger person here and accepting that their feelings are valid first despite their horrible behaviour).
So an unhealthy relationship is one where both people are blaming each other and not understanding how the other person feels. In order to stop that negative cycle at least one of you has to change that. And if you show someone you understand their feelings then it makes it harder for them to blame you, because part of the reason they're blaming might be that they feel misunderstood.
If you're both busy self-validating then where is the relationship? I agree that you need to understand your own feelings and accept them, and preferably not act on them if they tell you to do stupid and impulsive things! But sharing your internal world to some extent is what builds intimacy isn't it? And at some stage your spouse will have to jump on the validation bandwagon in terms of you being able to share your feelings with them and have them understand them and not be defensive blah blah blah (but you will have done this in a non-blamey healthy way), but for now one person has to get that bandwagon moving.
Well, that is my take, hopefully I'm along the right lines! I need to practice a lot more, I've been in defensive, fixing mode for so long it's difficult to step back and take a different approach.
Yes that is really fantastic Dilly!
Originally Posted by LB55
W: You drink a gallon of rum every week!(regardless of whether you do, she FEELS you drink too much) H: No, I only drink half a gallon each week! (This says W, you are wrong and I dismiss your feelings) Alternative: H: I understand that you think I drink too much. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. ( acknowledges her feelings without agreeing; validation). Perhaps take it a step further with some action...go to an AA meeting, make a promise you can keep. If you won’t stop drinking, don’t promise that.
Hope that makes some sense. I’m still very new to this concept, but I feel like I’ve got the lightbulb going on more frequently.
The purpose of validation is to seek out feelings, and then validate those feelings. So using the above example:
W: You drink a gallon of rum every week!
That's actually not an expression of feelings. So first you should seek out the feelings- "I hear you saying you think I drink too much, does that make you angry?"
This type of statement invites her to share her feelings, she may be angry or something else, you don't know but you are opening the door for her to describe her feelings.
"I don't know, I guess I'm just frustrated because it seems like you ignore me when you're drinking."
So this is an example of why understanding feelings are important, because she's really frustrated about being -ignored- which she identifies with the drinking. It could be unrelated, like maybe you just like to decompress after work with a drink and zone out for a while. So you could go to AA and quit rum and drink Coke instead, BUT THE PROBLEM WOULD STILL BE THERE! Right? You're still decompressing and ignoring her (even though it's not on purpose) and making her frustrated because the rum wasn't actually the real problem. Does that make sense? So a validating response might be "I am sorry I was making you feel frustrated, that must have been difficult for you. I will work on this." Then you could maybe invite her to decompress with you, or let her know "honey I am going to take a few minutes to decompress in the living room, I'm not ignoring you, just trying to recenter a bit. If you need anything just let me know." If it's a daily routine then now and then you might say "Thank you for giving me some quiet time to decompress, I love that you are so respectful of my needs." This is crossing over into love languages but the point is communication is usually what is lacking in these situations, and better communication is usually the ultimate resolution.
