Thriving not surviving. Thread 5.

[AnotherStander]

Alison, first I think you did the right thing standing up to him, now keep standing firm and being consistent.

He said to me - in one of his angry texts over the past couple of days - that he felt things had been really improving and going well over the past couple of weeks before my holiday and during it - that we'd had lots of friendly contact and he felt things were moving in the right direction, and that I'd just gone and blown it all up in his face. Now, an ultimatum was never going to help matters. I know that. But the fact he thinks it was going well and I was gradually getting more and more resentful at stuffing back my feelings on how he was speaking to me and giving him care and attention and consideration he didn't seem to value and wasn't able to return is telling.

This is CLASSIC narcissistic control and manipulation. There's a name for it but it escapes me at the moment. Basically telling you that things were going the right direction and if only you hadn't have screwed it up he would have been ready to go all-in again. It's complete bullshit of course, he was no closer to coming back then at any other time since BD. But he's trying to control and manipulate you into not challenging him again by dangling the carrot of hope out there. He's STILL abusing you!

'I can buy you out of the house and here is what I am offering. If that is not acceptable but you want your share of the house money, then come back to me with an offer by XX. If you want to keep the house as a joint asset, you need to be paying half the mortgage from XX date.'

As for supporting his children - I'd prefer a private arrangement worked out on his salary and the number of nights he has the kids. If he doesn't want to participate in that conversation, I can go through the government agency. I'd prefer not to do that, but I guess I just give him a deadline and if he does nothing before that deadline, go through the agency?

I would be surprised if he agrees to anything or responds at all, but it's not going to hurt anything to put it out there to him. Be prepared for a vitriolic response if you get any at all.

And I predict if I put this to him verbally he will deflect and turn it into another rant about my shortcomings, which I am done with listening to. If I put it in an email he will either ignore it, or give a variety of delaying tactics.

I think you're right. Just give him a date, ignore any attempts to delay and if he doesn't reply by the date you give him then SAY NO MORE and proceed with legal action.

I am not sure what it is reasonable to ask and I am not sure how to ask it. Suggestions? My motivation here is to put an end to the cake eating - he's acting like we're still married and he gets all the benefits of the house, my salary, etc etc and that needs to stop. He doesn't want to live here, which is fine, but he either pays for his asset or signs it over to me. Is that a boundary?

I think you're on the right track to protect yourself and help yourself move on. And yes I think it's a whopper of a boundary, and it's a good one as long as you are prepared to proceed legally to enforce it, which I am convinced you are ready for.