So so new to this :(

[DnJ]

Good Morning Nyla

I’d take dreams returning to you as a good sign. It was for me.

I am glad you are seeing a lawyer. Have questions ready, and let them do the heavy lifting. This is just a business deal that’s gone sideways at this point. Treat it as such. You and your kids deserve financial protection and security.

You may want to ask about the custody rules for where you live. Just to know what options you could exercise. Kids who don’t wish to see or visit the other parent, depending on age and other factors - hard to say what could happen. It is best to ask those questions and find out. I was surprised at the rules here. Of course I never really had anything to do with those rules before so why would I understand them.

Yes, I think I'm in the anger state of my grief now. But I figured it's better to vent here, than to him.

Yep.

Glad your DB book arrived. There is a lot of good information in there.

Even though so far I think a lot of what I've read doesn't apply to MLC. Like in writing goals and making them short term. At the moment I can't ask anything from my husband, so scratch that, right?

I know what you mean. An MLCer is pretty far gone and a lot of those ideas and suggestions... well it gets complicated.

As you stated a lot of what you’ve read doesn’t apply. Hmmm. Yes and no. You can see how some advice just wouldn’t be successful at this stage. So it doesn’t directly apply, right now. However, seeing that, you see where he is and what has to happen, where he needs to get to, in order for the advice to be successful, so you learn and accept - therefore that does applies, it is just for you and your growth.

Writing goals and short term lists. Make them for you and your kids.

And you are correct. Asking your H, putting pressure on him, yeah, not recommended.

So my question is, what do I say to H about D not wanting to go to his house? Do I tell him the truth and tell him to give her the spance she needs? Or do I lie for her? (I personally think the truth is the way to go)

And how do I tell him that he can't tell the kids that they can't be mean to the OW? They are allowed to be whatever they are, they're children, if she can't handle it, she should have thought about it a bit earlier.

The truth is the way to go. There is more than enough lies from his side of the street.

Telling H what D12 is feeling is one thing. Telling H what he has to do - “tell him to give her the space she needs” - is quite another. MLCers are irrational emotional rebellious adolescents, telling them to do anything usually doesn’t work and your get the opposite result, or a completely sideways result. I mean wow, some of the stuff they do. It doesn’t even make sense. You ask for A, so you might expect they will rebel and you would get B - but no - you get cucumber. What?!? Cucumber? This does that even fit in with what we are talking about. I said you need to do A, and I get cucumber? What the... Where was I? Oh ya, telling him to do stuff. Oh and they really have Swiss cheese minds, just full of holes.

So instead of telling, just explain D12’s feelings and state she needs some time and space. This was just sprung on her, it is quite a shock.

You can’t control what H does. All you an do is say what D needs. What he does with that is up to him.

From me experience an MLCer doesn’t want responsibility. They really DO NOT want it. After my W (at the time) left, she got a job at the local hospital and then another other at another hospital in next town over. Jobs, with benefits, pensions, good wages, and steady hours. She quit both, because she couldn’t come and go as she pleased.

She, at first, also demanded to see the kids. This didn’t last long either. She saw them once a week for about 6 weeks, then it stopped.

They want their freedom, and responsibilities tie them down.

Explain daughter’s feelings and leave the ball in his court. He might just make decisions that align really well with everyone, if he is not told to do so.

As for OW.

What I told XW when she was trying to get everyone to like OM and go along with her new life. The kids have their own hearts and minds, have their own morals and values, know right and wrong - they will feel what they feel. You raised them really well, you know this. Each are their are their own person, and will make up their own mind.

H is being childish. He wants everyone to go along with him, and make her welcome. Yeah, whatever. Not gonna happen.

Nyla, your children will feel what they feel. And no one should be allowed to quash that.

DnJ