Thanks for all the advice - here's an update, or really just some journaling:
Weekend was as expected, we ended up doing separate activities with my daughter. I thought I was maybe making some headway as I heard her vacillating a little to a friend about the D decision on Friday. I may have made a mistake that evening - my dad had sent a long email to the both of us earlier that day - it was heartfelt and supportive for the both of us but it was obvious that both he and my mom are hurting, my mom has some health problems and news of the D hasn't helped. That really got to me, I ended up having some drinks that evening and talking to an old friend that I've lost contact with over the years - I made plans to visit him and my parents and after a brief consultation with the wife I bought a plane ticket for Saturday, felt I really needed to get away and need some support. I could tell she was upset but said it was fine. The next morning I realized it was a rash decision so I canceled the ticket, decided to stay and spend time with my daughter.
Wife asked me last night if I'd looked any more at moving out. I stated that I don't see moving out as beneficial for our daughter and that I will end up looking like I'm abandoning her regardless of how we explain it. She stated that we need to provide a united front and explain to her that it's a mutual decision - I said "so you want me to lie to her?" This set her off - she says we can't remain in the house together due to setting a bad example of marriage to our daughter. She used the example of me planning to leave on Saturday and from the previous weekend when I stayed at a friends house after going out for the evening - I was out GAL and she was upset that I didn't inform her exactly where and what I was doing and she didn't have an explanation for why I wasn't home.
I've done my best not to start any R conversations or plead, etc. but when she brings up the future I've also made it clear that I'm not giving up on the marriage and am making improvements for myself. This seems to anger her - she feels I gave up on the marriage years ago and I should be agreeing with everything she wants. She actually wants me to file for divorce. She's worried about how she appears to our family and friends, that she's the "bad guy" for wanting out when she deserves more and I haven't met her needs. This really is mostly my fault but I cant give up on her and our family. I know I could make her happy if she could forgive. She says she forgives me but can't be married to me - then goes on to bring up ways in which I've hurt her. She's rewriting the past a bit by only remembering the bad times. I haven't argued and have validated but then she says I'm shaming her. She says she changed herself to provide what she thought I wanted, she gave up on affection and intimacy, cooked, cleaned and provided etc. while giving me my space for hobbies. The thing is that's not what I wanted - I want the same things she does we just lost our connection along the way and haven't been able to get it back. She's also been in to a lot of self help stuff lately, Ted talks, empowering women to deserve love, etc.
Since we can't decide on a way forward she wants to meet with a separation counselor to help us make decisions about living arrangements, how to tell our daughter and co-parent, etc. I've agreed to do this,just not sure how to find the correct person. Still flailing and reeling here, trying my best to DB.
