I've heard back from my mortgage broker. I could refinance the house and give H what I consider to be a very fair amount of the equity (though I will seek legal advice on this before making any decisions, of course) without making my mortgage unaffordable to me. This would put the house entirely in my name and give H a lump sum he could feasibly use to buy his own place better suited to having Youngest over, or whatever else he wants to do. If I went ahead with it, he would need to co-operate by signing over the title of the house to me. If he refuses to do that, then my choices are to keep the status quo or set in motion the divorce, during which we'd go to court and eventually a judge would force him to do it, and he'd probably get less from the house than I am currently willing to offer (again, pending me getting legal advice - I went to a solicitor late last year and am acting on the information I got then, but will need to go and update him and check all is present and correct before acting).
The status quo is: H and I do not share any bank accounts and he is not paying me anything towards the mortgage - joint asset - or upkeep of kids (who spend every night with me, and are entirely fed and clothed by me). He's not in any debt and neither am I. We both have savings of our own that the other does not have access to.
I want to say to H something like this:
'I can buy you out of the house and here is what I am offering. If that is not acceptable but you want your share of the house money, then come back to me with an offer by XX. If you want to keep the house as a joint asset, you need to be paying half the mortgage from XX date.'
As for supporting his children - I'd prefer a private arrangement worked out on his salary and the number of nights he has the kids. If he doesn't want to participate in that conversation, I can go through the government agency. I'd prefer not to do that, but I guess I just give him a deadline and if he does nothing before that deadline, go through the agency?
The thing is, I don't think he will be able to afford to pay half the mortgage AND house himself right now. I earn about double what he does. And I predict if I put this to him verbally he will deflect and turn it into another rant about my shortcomings, which I am done with listening to. If I put it in an email he will either ignore it, or give a variety of delaying tactics. The status quo suits him very well but it does not suit me and I want to take healthy action to change it.
I don't feel in danger or that my finances are unsafe. I can afford everything as it stands without him, and I can afford to buy him out. I can afford to go through solicitors if he is difficult. I don't think there's a chance that he'd get himself into crazy debt, but we have no credit cards in joint names and I am pretty sure (though will also check this) if he takes out a loan or credit card in his name, it is nothing to do with me even while we are legally married.
I am not sure what it is reasonable to ask and I am not sure how to ask it. Suggestions? My motivation here is to put an end to the cake eating - he's acting like we're still married and he gets all the benefits of the house, my salary, etc etc and that needs to stop. He doesn't want to live here, which is fine, but he either pays for his asset or signs it over to me. Is that a boundary?
Also, for information: he earns a lot less than me because he was at home with the kids, then doing a long professional course. I will probably always out-earn him due to the nature of our professions. He'd have no case for spousal maintenance now he is working, but even though he has never paid into the mortgage equally with me, legally and morally he'd be entitled to 50% of the equity, though I am offering him less than that considering that I am housing his kids and he isn't.
