I think the SAHM or D thing has a huge effect on a marriage. I wonder if it's just a very unnatural way to live - traditional, sure, but in our modern society it means one partner needs to work like crazy, and the other is fairly isolated at home, and there's such a disconnect in roles that resentment builds on both sides.
My experience is a bit more unusual for a woman but I was always the breadwinner in our marriage, and H was either the SAHD or taking a very very long professional qualification that he is just on the brink of finishing. I share it here in case it is useful to you. During his SAHD days, he did absolutely everything, I worked a lot, and I took him totally for granted. He became very fussy and anxious and controlling over the way things were done in the house - because I think he felt like his work was invisible (and that's on me) and that turned into him being just constantly moaning and critical and I hated it and we were very very distant. Once he started this qualification, we split the household work more evenly, but he still acted like he was 'in charge' of all domestic and childrearing matters, and I really resented this because not only was I still earning 100% of the money, but was also doing half of the childcare and domestic stuff, and still getting criticism for it. And this professional qualification was incredibly demanding of his time, stressful, emotionally taxing (he's in medicine) and I failed to validate the pressures he was under, and just lashed back at his controlling and behaviour in really unhealthy ways. A healthier set of people could have coped with the uneven division on labour and money in a better way - and it was something I agreed to (I love my job and didn't want to be a SAHP) but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I know from my point of view, H could have done more to change his circumstances - he could have worked if he didn't want to SAHD and we could have paid for childcare. He could have spent the time the kids were at school / nursery working on his own social life and let the housework fall back a bit in favour of his own mental health. I couldn't do that for him. It's a very tangled situation.
I hope you're well and will check in on your situation soon.
