Dilly 2.0 part 4

[97Hope]

Oh how I wish you could come here for a week. Seriously. Are there rules against that?

We had our 23rd anniversary and my bday this year. (Feb & April). Not as close together as yours, but you will be ok no matter what H does or doesn't do if you keep your expectations low. Like at zero. No kidding. I wish I had planned something like you are doing.

It sounds like we are in the same boat. Is it MLC or just M. It's difficult to tell. I get where you are coming from. For what it's worth, I get a lot of encouragement when I read your updates. Hang in there.

[AlisonUK]

I wish we were all neighbours too! Life would be a lot easier if I could have cups of tea with you ladies now and again.

[dillydaf]

That would be good wouldn't it? I have some lovely friends but none of them have gone through anything remotely like this.
Journalling. Picked up H from the station and he asked if he could drive my new car (lol usually he would just tell me he was driving) so I said yes. He didn't nitpick too much, he thinks about the car pretty much what I do: it's practical and nice to drive if not as sporty as his usual preference. We went for a walk and he was quite whiney, he was wearing open toed sandals and the route I'd picked out (which is beautiful) was quite sandy and rocky and he cut his foot, not sure if he was implying if it was my fault for not warning him about the shoes or whether that was me feeling defensive, I apologised once for not telling him about the route and then just validated after that. He whined about work quite a bit too and I just validated that as well. I think we were both feeling tired after we'd both had a lot of exercise yesterday and neither of us were sparkling conversationalists. Then we went back and picked the kids up and had an early dinner, that was ok, then I took him back to the station.

We spent quite a bit of time together and it was just a bit dull TBH. Next weekend I'm away and H is coming back home for the weekend to take ds2 to his activities, I was a bit hurt that he said he'd come back Friday evening when he's never come back on a Friday when I've been here, but clearly overnighting in the same house with me is now difficult for him. Sigh. But I didn't show that I was upset about that, just let it go. Then he asked if I'd like to go to lunch one day next week as he has some work dinners next week. I agreed to go one day, but honestly lunch is a bit short and dissatisfying, if he's just going to offer lunch from now on I might turn him down.

I had a cry on the drive home from the station but mostly because there was a sad song on the radio, I just feel kind of numb really. A bit hopeless, not seeing what will change or even whether I want H back really. I feel like we actually spend more time together now since he's moved out than we did before, in terms of doing stuff together instead of just occupying the same house. But I would actually just like 1) someone to watch telly with 2) someone to have sex with and 3) someone I can be emotionally intimate with. Oh well, I'll be patient a bit longer, things change and at least I feel quite detached right now. I was actually looking at group overseas walking holidays for the anniversary/birthday week, one of them looked interesting though I have to be careful not to take too much time off as I have lots of work to do still.

[97Hope]

When they get whiney and complainy I just remind myself that I am in a better position. I can notice the beauty of the day and not focus on the negative. It helps to feel sorry for mine, and thankful that I'm not seeing life through that lens.

Songs are like dynamite. I've created a playlist that on certain days I ONLY listen to it. I titled it 'hope'. They are all songs that have no triggers, no memories, just fun songs. 'i can see clearly now the rain is gone', 'boom-shakka-laka', etc. Silly songs, old songs, just whatever I know perks me up and makes my bottom wiggle. ; ) They are really less about hope and more about keeping my head up. Several songs about my value in Christ. Those are the best for me.

I'm in the US. I don't know if we have walking holidays. Still haven't looked that up. Sounds cool. I hope you have the most amazing vacation. You need one, too!!

[dillydaf]

Yes, it's hard not be dragged down by someone being whiney, but it was a very pretty walk somewhere I love. I was just thinking that I've run that exact route with about 5 different friends and every time has been more fun than it was with H today!
I was playing 'Shine' by Aswad during a run the other day, some of the lyrics go:

Come on and shine (shine), shine like a star
Shining so bright like the star that you are
Oh oh oh oh shine (shine) into the future
Spreading your light wherever you are

I burn like a fire left in the rain
As I run the race, oh yes I feel the pain
From the resistance I'm feeling the strain
Now the realization is that we are all born the same

Come on and shine (shine), shine like a star
Shining so bright like the star that you are
Oh oh oh oh shine (shine) into the future
Spreading your light wherever you are

I reach for the moon and I reach for the stars
With the strength from within me yeah, the further and faster I run
Stretching my sinews to the bone
Achieving all goals that I seek, I know I must do it alone
When they said I'd never make it
I found strength from within
'Cause it is there if you seek it
So you can get it if you really want so

Shine (shine), shine like a star
Shining so bright like the star that you are
Oh oh oh oh shine (shine) into the future
Spreading your light wherever you are

For a runner going through a tough time, those lyrics are just about perfect, I now have it on repeat

[AlisonUK]

I totally totally get that Dilly. When H has been here these past few months he has very often been whiny and complainy. He's been better with the kids, I think - a little - but has generally only communicated with me in really negative ways. Even when he's not actively moaning about me, our past, something I should have done or not done etc, then he's moaning about work, or just getting un believably irritated with minor things (cats wanting let in, etc) that makes him tiresome to be around. I miss him, and I also breathe a sigh of relief when he's not around. I guess it shows that it isn't us making them unhappy - they carry their misery with them.

[FlySolo]

I use to listen to Praying by Kisha. The girls and I would dance around the kitchen singing it at the top of our voices. Funny thinking about it now.

Alison - hard as it is, you can't let his negativity become your negativity. It isn't about pretending to be happy, but actually finding things that make you happy so that when he is being a [censored] you can validate without letting it get inside.

I have a friend who is a miserable sod. Everything in his life is a drama and everyone is out to get him. I listen, I validate ("that sounds terrible"), I give advice ("have you tried talking to them"), but when he is not there, I rarely give it any mind. His life is his problem. It is not mine.

[97Hope]

My H used to refer to me as the 'little black rain cloud' (from Winnie-the-Pooh) Now when I see he is in one of his miserable moods, I think in my head (in a Christopher robin voice) "tut-tut, It looks like rain" and it makes me smile. I'm not picking on him or anything, I just realize that more than anything, they are still stuck on blaming everyone around them for their misery. It's sad, really.

[AlisonUK]

I can see it so clearly because the thing is, I used to be just like this. Probably every bit as bad and worse than my H is being - or yours, Dilly. I had plenty of excuses - some illness, a terrible, terrible toxic childhood, a stressful job, annoying colleagues, etc - but in the end they were just excuses for the fact I didn't have the skills to make the effort to look for and enjoy all the good things in my life, and was too selfish to care for my own sadness rather than dump it in the laps of the people that I loved. It took a lot of therapy for me to get over that. But it is so freeing to step away from blame. I still fall into it, lots of times, sometimes lots of times in a day - but I know when I am doing it and I (mainly) know how to get myself out of it.

[dillydaf]

I applaud you for that, Alison
Giving up blame is hard to do, but it is a gift to yourself and gives you a lot more power over your life. I have always been quite an optimistic person, but I did spend a lot of time blaming my H for things because we were stuck in a blame cycle. He was very hard to live with for a long time, but I played a role in that for sure. And after many months of IC I find I forgive him for the most part, and I forgive myself.

'Tut-tut it looks like rain', I love it! I will remember it. It's very hard not to be infected with someone else's misery, and also hard not to take some share of responsibility for it somehow, or to try to fix it. But maybe seeing it as a black cloud which passes over and then moves on, you see how little control you have over it.

This week I am working on being kind and empathetic, I know my trip away will not be easy for H to handle. I will make sure the fridge is stocked and the house clean and tidy so that he can enjoy his time here in peace and have fun with the kids. I hope that me being away will allow him to relax here and also maybe to miss me a bit