Hmm, yes I agree they don't have to get on the validation bandwagon, like you said they don't OWE you anything. And having that kind of attitude is destructive to marriages in any case, keeping score is for sports teams, not relationships. I think what I meant is that if you manage to rebuild some sort of R then eventually they are going to want to know what's going on with you, in a more mutual way. Maybe that's what your W meant when she said it was your turn? It seems too early for that right now though. I think the issue will be letting down your defences a bit when the time does come to do that, especially if you've been the distancer in the R?
The concept of inability to change seems a common one, which I suppose makes sense because the reason they DBed us is because they felt hopeless. I like how you're showing not telling, very powerful.
I'm going to work more on validating as much as I can, I can tip over into sympathy sometimes which is a bit mumsy and can come across as patronising. It doesn't help that my H does NOT talk about his feelings very much, you have to dig hard underneath anything he says to find out where the emotions are, and it's hard doing it in a way which doesn't seem too psychologising.
The lipstick and lamb comment was unbelievably hurtful especially in the context of what had just happened, and I think validating in that situation would have been extremely difficult for Alison. You can't validate when you're feeling very emotionally triggered. Well, I can't. Just staying in the same room is hard enough then.
