Growing Pains(LB55 thread 4)

[LB55]

Alison I popped over to your thread and read the most recent posts. I did not go back and read the whole witch, different task for a different day.

The conversation about lipstick and lamb stood out to me. When he said that, your reply “I know that” in my opinion is invalidating. If I tell you something, and you say “I know that”, well why the F did I bother telling you then? I feel invalidated every time someone says that.

Alternative:

“I understand that it’s going to take more than lamb and lipstick to make this marriage work. What do you need to make progress towards making this work?” You heard what he said, didn’t defend yourself, nor did you agree with him. You also didn’t ask what you can do, instead asking what he does need. He may have told you, he may have exited the conversation. Hard to say. Just my thoughts on it.

Another example

W: You drink a gallon of rum every week!(regardless of whether you do, she FEELS you drink too much)
H: No, I only drink half a gallon each week! (This says W, you are wrong and I dismiss your feelings)
Alternative:
H: I understand that you think I drink too much. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. ( acknowledges her feelings without agreeing; validation). Perhaps take it a step further with some action...go to an AA meeting, make a promise you can keep. If you won’t stop drinking, don’t promise that.

Hope that makes some sense. I’m still very new to this concept, but I feel like I’ve got the lightbulb going on more frequently.