Growing Pains(LB55 thread 4)

[LB55]

I have been puzzling over this. I am not sure how it builds a healthy relationship if being a well differentiated adult means learning to validate ourselves. I can try to validate H and I can accept he doesn't have the skills or capacity to validate me, and as an adult I need to be working towards self-validation. But then don't I want to be in a relationship with someone who can self-validate too? Doesn't dishing it out just stop him learning to do it for himself, and isn't withdrawing validation a part of going dark and removing the benefits of being in a marriage from the spouse who has BDd?

Just curious as to what people's thoughts are on this.

Validating one’s own feelings is helpful. It helps you to acknowledge your own feelings. You can’t make anyone validate for you. If you can’t validate yourself, you are seeking validation. Seeking validation is useless. I’ve tried for a long time with everyone. Saying things to hope they acknowledge my feelings, saying things I don’t think or want to see if I can get some validation, etc.

Don’t validate others hoping to get validated. Don’t give gifts to others expecting to receive gifts back. That’s my mindset.

I can’t comment on the going dark thing, I didn’t do that. I am showing change, being friendly, and doing it how I want to do it. She is noticing. She can’t figure out what the heck is going on. It’s kind of funny.