Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[Adam04]

AS, It is taking some time to believe it's real. You are right, I am skeptical and it can create these road blocks.

In the last two weeks I have been over at the house. She first said I could come over and we take it slow day by day and then she said she'd like me over every day, which led to some small talk about us being together, our home, our bedroom. Everything US. She said she will make more room in the closet for my cloths which she requested I bring over to sleep over and go to work.

I look back since April and her tune has changed and she has appeared to do a lot of 180s on what she is saying and doing. I remember Sandi initially posting that W would need to stop acting a certain way and acting another. I hadn't gone back to the list of things to write them off but there is enough W has done to get a general vibe that she is out of the fog and very much wiling to work on the MR.

I showed her something online about Retrouvaille and she is on board to go. She showed some concern about the religious part because she didn't want to feel judged by Christians for not being a devout Catholic. She kept reading and later felt at ease.

Niall, I don't know how good these lie detector tests are or how easy it is to cheat them. I do know one person who has managed to pass it by lying so it can be done through some type of pain management. As for if she would do all that, I am not sure. The logical vs emotional. I also think as you did, emotionally it would make sense to satisfy this need to know. Logically thinking in the long run if I want to be with her and build this trust, I need to keep the road paved smooth. Not saying she gets an out of jail free card but right now she is doing a few things in an effort to be transparent and she is willing to go to counseling and she wants me to be with her and work things out. We both know we still have issues.

W has said she wants to work the marriage out and go to counseling. W will get the medical records for her birth control pills she is taking to reduce the cyst she has. She said she has put the find me app back on. She has given me her code to the phone and gave me the phone to install the camera app to the house on her phone and also on mine. She had all her passwords up to all the apps and emails and didn't mind me looking or knowing them. She communicates more her daily and weekly schedule. She said her work has a baseball game she was invited to and asked me if I wanted her not to go. I told her going or not going, I don't think that builds trust but I do appreciate her asking me about how I felt about it. I told her she could go and if she was concerned about how I felt, she would figure something out. I told her if she wanted to cheat on me no matter what I did right or try to prevent, she would cheat on me. I told her I cant or don't want to live my life like that, looking to try and catch her cheating or lying to me. I did say it was important to have safeguards in place and we work to strengthen our marriage so that moments of weakness aren't exploited so my focus is to be better.

My W told me what helped her change her mind was seeing how serious I was about changing and she realized I must have been getting some help. I think part of it too was seeing my life going on without her and me and the boys were fine. Along with that was my attitude. I didn't let it get me down around her or other people. Not around her family and siblings. My Sister in law was saying she was there for me and asked about us, her sister and me. She was saying she'd always be there for the kids to help. My head space with them wasn't running for support. It was to say I'm okay with whatever happens to us. I love her sister but I'm not going to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I'm not going to try and force anything on anyone. The few times I did talk to the in laws, it was express life was going on and its good. It wasn't about saying negative things about the W or trying to get them to take sides. My W later said her sister and the brother in law talked to her and asked that I not get mad at the BIL. I don't recall when, but she asked me , so you love me enough to let me go, is that what you are doing? I didn't give her a direct answer as something else came up but in that moment I think she got the point.

I haven't been on the ipad or computer much at the house to journal. I'm taking walks with the kids, out in the streets with them in the evening times. Enjoying a lot more artwork with my youngest boy. Things have been busy.

W has said a couple of times she loves me but this was out of old habits like right after doing something. We tried to take it slow but after 2 nights of sleeping in the same bed in the master bed room, she initiated the physical contact and its been a green light ever since. We've been more intimate. We both have been enjoying our time together. Did I mention she no longer reads those romance novels? More of that focus is in the bedroom. We do tell each other we love things about each other.

My feelings are still guarded and I keep thinking W hasn't "come clean" about the past and I'm wondering if I am making a mistake to move forward the way I am. When W told me about the baseball game she got invited to, she later didn't go because the client didn't get their way with something and made a douche move to her bosses and she was so upset. I was there to validate and support. That same day I had problems at work and pushed those feelings aside to be there for my W. After that, W said she was going to bed and wanted to unwind so she was on the phone looking at Instagram following celeb stories. We are sharing moments together looking through those things together and laughing. that night I had to leave the house though to get some fresh air. I came to the apartment for a while to give some space. We later talked about it and she asked if I was alright and I said I was just giving us some space.

Also shortly after W told me about the baseball game which she didn't go to because she couldn't stand dealing with the client who she felt made a douche move to go above her, W told me she got invited to the lake house of her female boss along with a couple of other ladies from work. She wasn't sure if she wanted to go or not.

Then last night she gets a text like at 12am. I was starting to fall asleep at this time until it came in and I woke up. She said she would show me the text of who it was and that it was her boss being up and doing something. I told her I couldn't sleep anymore and I was going to go driving and she showed me the text. I told her I didn't have an issue with that. She asked what it was and I told her it wasn't really about that but now that I know her boss is asking her to the lake house and sending her texts late at night, she cant tell me her boss is just her boss and not a close friend. I sad it was hard for me not to see this person vouching for her friend whose marriage was on the rocks.

Am I crazy for taking her back too easily? MY W said she knows its tough and still swears she hasn't cheated on me. I feel there is more that she hasn't said.

Her mom is now staying over at the house starting this weekend. This is W's week with the boys. I am not sure if next week I should return to my apartment with the boys and do a hard reset. This morning we went to church together for the first time in a long, long while.

There were a few times throughout the weeks she would do a sh1t test like saying there was a faster route or alternate route to go somewhere, I'd smile and look at her and thank her for the info and keep driving my way or tell her I preferred to look at the beautiful trees or scenery. I noticed the way I handle those are usually with some type of humor and she would laugh. laughing a lot more and being happy.

Seems like rambling trying to put everything down and making sense of the things unfolding. Need advice if I should proceed with caution and still have no expectations or if its okay if she is willing to make some commitment and not doing this to temp check.