OK, so validating as far as I can see is demonstrating using words that you understand someone else's feelings and accept them. Not that you agree with them, not that you take blame, not that you act defensive or argue with them and not that you tell them they have got the wrong interpretation, not that you push the Fixit button. Because their feelings are their feelings and they are entitled to them just as we are entitled to our own feelings. And having someone else understand your feelings is nice, especially if you feel like you're aggrieved and misunderstood, as our spouses have done for years (and as we probably have done too, let's be honest, but we are being the bigger person here and accepting that their feelings are valid first despite their horrible behaviour).
So an unhealthy relationship is one where both people are blaming each other and not understanding how the other person feels. In order to stop that negative cycle at least one of you has to change that. And if you show someone you understand their feelings then it makes it harder for them to blame you, because part of the reason they're blaming might be that they feel misunderstood.
If you're both busy self-validating then where is the relationship? I agree that you need to understand your own feelings and accept them, and preferably not act on them if they tell you to do stupid and impulsive things! But sharing your internal world to some extent is what builds intimacy isn't it? And at some stage your spouse will have to jump on the validation bandwagon in terms of you being able to share your feelings with them and have them understand them and not be defensive blah blah blah (but you will have done this in a non-blamey healthy way), but for now one person has to get that bandwagon moving.
Well, that is my take, hopefully I'm along the right lines! I need to practice a lot more, I've been in defensive, fixing mode for so long it's difficult to step back and take a different approach.
