I’ve just gotten caught up on your situation. I’m no expert at this, but I really think you’ve done the right thing by starting this ball rolling and setting your boundaries. I’m proud of you. I can so relate to the feeling you describe when you know what you are doing is impulsive/doesn’t align with DBing/will almost certainly have a bad result, but you also feel you need to do it. I think it’s important to trust those instincts sometimes. We want our spouses to want to come back, but we also want them to see and respect and accept us as a whole person, and that comes with real, strong emotions and valid needs, as you say.
When I read what your H said to you about laughing with his coworker about your idea he might come home...honestly I cried a few angry tears. That is beyond cruel, on so many levels. Throwing in a third party like that is like cramming a handful of rock salt into your wounds. The fact that your youngest later saw you stand up for yourself? I honestly think that might be for the best. Of course ideally ones children wouldn’t witness any of this, but if he HAS witnesses your H being cruel and disrespectful, it might be a healthy antidote for him to ALSO see you stand up and say that’s not ok with you. That is valuable.
I also really relate to being able to come to the realization that ones spouse may jus not be capable of turning toward one at present. I think I’m experiencing the same. It’s heart breaking. But I do believe that there is great value in recognizing it, for better or for worse. You are so strong, it’s inspiring
