Just journalling. I am okay - not heartbroken, but very sad and angry.
Had a lot of contact from H. He's really angry with me. Telling me he won't be manipulated and coerced into being the partner I wanted him to be, and that we always agreed that we'd work on things once he finished his project, and I have no right to be surprised he wants to stick to those plans. I think he's right. But I just can't. And I am furious that I can't - a little bit with him, but mainly with myself and the situation. It seems he isn't able to accept kindness from me without feeling coerced, and isn't able to give anything at all without feeling like he's attempting to placate me. That's the truth of his feelings and I have validated that more or less constantly for six months. At the same time, he's asking for kindness, and asking me to wait in this limbo for longer. He doesn't want to let go of me but he doesn't want to actively repair things either. The truth of my feelings are that I don't believe he is going to arrange the therapy, I don't believe he's interested in participating it in fully, and I don't want to carry on hanging about outside that empty cupboard any more. He finds that manipulative but it doesn't mean I am manipulating. He's also furious I am being much more outspoken at setting a clear boundary for the way he speaks to me. I guess he's going to have to process his own anger and I will have to process mine and we both need to accept that if nobody manipulates or placates the other, but there's just clear honesty, then we are at the end of our marriage.
I have a lot of nervous energy today. I've been for a long and muddy walk and now I am about to tackle some housework, with vigour. This will pass. This will pass.
