Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason

[Rita]

Thank you so much, DnJ (times many), Job, Grace, HaWho and SAM (I don't know why it made me so happy to know your name but it did!!!). I really really appreciate your encouragement.

He left this morning but left so much of his stuff here. He made me give him so much money to leave and is expecting me to come up with so much each month but doesn't seem to understand that I can't rent out our space with all his crap in it. In some way working on packing up his books for some of today helped give me a focus, I had a few moments of feeling excited about getting this place ready for rentals though I am supposed to be working on a lot of actual paid work today....

I kept looking at what you all said about healing and how I will feel better soon. First day is obviously a raw one. It feels so sad that I have to keep reminding myself how horrifyingly awful it has been to live with him since he filed. The kids are sad but also very confused. S13 told me that H keeps begging him to come and visit him and he kept asking me, "Do I have to go?" This is the third weekend that is "his" weekend and he doesn't even try to see them, just took D out for a 30 minute breakfast, though she told me he talked like a "real dad," telling her not to worry, that he would see her a lot and it would be great.

There was yet another clogged drain at our guesthouse so I had to call the fix it guys -- yesterday I borrowed a snake from the bar next door and snaked a toilet myself, boy that was fun. But this other one was a sink beyond my abilities -- I really think that H was throwing paper towels down the toilet upstairs and that caused it -- but anyway, I asked the guy who came if he knew anyone who could do a quick job for me putting in a new door and a tiny extra kitchen so I could do this rental thing with half my apartment, and he sent his uncle over, and so I might be able to get this happening pretty fast. Which just shows you that even literal sh-- can be turned into something good.

I had such a weird feeling, sitting at my table and talking about how to do this door and set the rental up, that now I was finally doing that thing I had been planning, but I didn't feel powerful and confident, even though I seem like it to everyone else, I have a hole in my heart.

I can't tell if the pressure of having to make so much money to pay H is bringing me down or if it's a good distraction to have to do something.

I am bored of what I am writing, it's all just blah-blah-blah, but I guess I just wanted to sit at this table with all of you for a few moments because even though I am less lonely with him gone than with him here, this is a strange new silence and I think in the silence I can hear my heart aching more than I could when I was feeling like a caged animal with H here.

XO to you all....