It's very hard Hope, isn't it? Especially as it seems that from day to day you and your H have been getting on well and enjoying the small time you spend together as a family. He probably is cake-eating a bit - but then perhaps you've been enjoying those little dips into married life too? I've had a similar situation going on and I know how difficult it is not to demand more, and to know you probably should refuse to accept the crumbs on offer in fear of it hastening the divorce.
I think you can forgive yourself for not handling this conversation perfectly. It sounds like he's not cutting you much slack - he doesn't like it when you cry, but he interprets you not crying in negative ways? He likes what you're saying, but doesn't believe it, yet wishes you had said it earlier, yet didn't listen to you or want to hear it when you did say it earlier? The one thing I have learned so far is that you can't 'win' with a person who is not committed to the marriage and not fundamentally disposed to giving you the benefit of the doubt and interpreting your words and actions in a loving lens. And you can't do anything to get him into that position.
It might be now your daughter is a little older it would benefit him to do more of her care on his own in his own place, and benefit you to have that space. And certainly benefit your H and his parenting skills - whether you R or not, he needs to have the confidence and experience in tending to her needs and finding his way as a parent alone.
I think that comment where he asked you if you felt like he wanted you to want him was pure, 100% temp checking, as was his enquiry about him wanting to know if you were seeing someone else. I might have been pretty angry about that in your position. Perhaps some distance and privacy - and a boundary where he can't turn up at your home without giving you some notice or making a prior arrangement - would help him to have a bit more respect. He knows, I think, that you're waiting for him and that you do still want him, and there's probably a part of him quite comfortable with that because it gives him a very nice safety net of security.
I think the only thing you can do is validate your feelings, share your own if he is in a respectful place and willing to listen to them, and agree to what he wants if it is reasonable. I think it is reasonable that he wants to care for his daughter on his own in his own home now and again. It stinks, but unless you have reason to consider him unfit or abusive, that is better for both of them and for you too, in the long run. It might also be a way to get him to think of yours and his relationship as man and wife, aside from your interactions as parents. He's interacting with you as a mother, and not as a wife. That's no bad thing. But perhaps once there's more space, he will start to miss his wife. It's also reasonable for you to want some notice before he comes to your home, no turning up for friendly family meals on spec - and reasonable for you to want a regular arrangement.
