Sorry for the long post! H and I had another painful, confusing R talk. I am feeling really sad and frustrated, mainly because of the timing and way it came about. I think I really blew all the ground I had gained and I'm feeling really low about it. My H and I had been at a limbo plateau for awhile, and he had been increasingly chatty, seeking my attention and even touching me a lot. As I expressed, I was hesitantly hopeful about it, but also frustrated because it felt a lot like cake eating on his part. On Tuesday when he came to see our daughter, he said he was going to take her to his house rahter than making dinner for her here. It was the first time in a long time he'd done that (for weeks now he'd been making or bringing dinner, texting me to ask what I might want to eat, etc) so that triggered me, I was hurt and I lost my cool a little bit, and ended up saying I felt like he was up to something and playing games. i wince when I think of it now, I was in a relatively good position and I blew it because i could no longer control my pent up feelings. Of course that went over poorly, he was upset because he felt wrongly accused. We talked about it afterward and smoothed it out, but we were both still defensive.
on Thursday he didn't text before he came and he planned to take our daughter out again. He was acting colder and more formal toward me again. We got into a silly argument over a parenting disagreement. At one point he said 'you and I just don't go together well" and that REALLY hurt and triggered me, and I said "if you really feel that way then you should hurry up and divorce me already." Again, completely cringing and sick to my stomach that I said that.
After we put our daughter to bed, he said that he felt that by his inaction around making the divorce happen that he thins he has been giving me the wrong idea. That he still wants a divorce and that it is happening soon. He said he thinks that I probably feel like he's been having his cake and eating it too (!!!) and asked if I feel like he "wants me to want him". I somewhat confirmed what he was saying, but also wanted to maintain some ground and told him that I hadn't gotten the wrong idea and hadn't thought it all meant anything had changed, but that I did feel like we needed some boundaries around our relationship. I told him that the way I see it, we have rediscovered a lot of the good parts of our relationship and have gotten along well and that it felt a bit like a half marriage. I said that it has been nice, but that it isn't enough for me, and that it looks to me like all the good stuff is still there between us after all, and that it makes me sad that he doesn't see it that way, but that I accept it. He semi acknowledged that what I've been seeing between us has been happening, but also said that he thought that everything was just going smoothly and that we were friends and really good coparents. I told him that is not what is happening, because we are married but not participating in the marriage, so we can't be just friends and coparents. He understood. At one point I lost my train of thought for a moment and he said "were you about to tell me that you are seeing someone?" I didnt confirm nor deny and just kind of shrugged it off. Then he started asking me the same things he has always asked during R talks: he asked me how,after having been so "cold and distant and acting like I hated him" could I still have these complex emotions about our marriage. I replied that I have explained before (that I was in a lot of pain at the time and said a lot of things I did not mean out of fear for our marriage) and that I will gladly explain again if he wanted/needed me to. He said he remembered my response but that he just doesn't believe my words. I validated a bunch. Then he asked why I couldn't have said all of this sooner, as if to say that if only I had tried to fix this sooner it could have been fixed. I gently reminded him (as I have every time hes asked this) that I had tried a few months after he moved out--- he stopped me and said "oh yeah, I remember I told you that I wasn't there yet" and that I had tried again a few months ago, in our last R talk. He responded that he remembered our last talk in which I had asked him to give our marriage another try. He said that he remembered that I hadn't cried very much during that conversation and that stood out to him because I am a big crier and that he has seen me cry about much smaller things. I gently explained that I know that sometimes my crying is distracting to him and that i had been nervous to discuss our marriage with him at that time, and that I had tried really hard not to cry during it so as to not dilute my words. We talked about our daughter and he cried a little, and we talked about setting more boundaries for our relationship, and that it would be better if hep spends less time here/around me and just takes our daughter elsewhere. I feel simultaneously that it needed to happen, and also really sad and scared about these new boundaries and what they will mean. I'm really focused on letting go of all my expectations and just taking what comes. I'm scared and really sad.I had wanted to have the conversation about boundaries on my terms, and when he was in a positive headspace, and I'm disappointed because I feel I blew that. My best friend, who is the only one who knows about my DBing and is very much onboard, said that she feels like it was all actually good progress with him in terms of our marriage. I don't know what to make of it all, as it was a confusing conversation. Any insight would be appreciated
