Growing Pains(LB55 thread 4)

[LB55]

That is hugely impressive. I remember listening to H rant for an hour or so earlier on in our situation - about his anger and blame and resentment. I think at the time I thought I was validating his feelings (and I believe I did make some good validating statements) but I also was told here - which I accept - I was enabling his verbal abuse. I still struggle with where to draw the line when it comes to listening to feelings I find challenging or perceptions of events that don't agree with and out and out verbal abuse, but I am getting better at it. I think it's fine to have a boundary of how MUCH validating you will do in any one session. If an hour is fine for you - great - but perhaps thinking of a way to get out of a conversation like that when you've had enough would also be useful (I wish I'd have been able to perfect this). You're not a bottomless bit of patience and your needs are important too. It's also very hard to listen to someone's feelings when they have little or no interest in or respect of yours. I understand that validation might be a one way street for a good while in many of our situations, but it's also been useful for me to think about how much validation I am willing to 'spend' without getting any back...

Yes I totally get that Alison. Where to draw the line. My W is full of blame, fault, and anger. All pointed at me. She didn’t do that for the most part this time, so I kept listening. I had multiple outs, I was near my vehicle, I could have ended the conversation and got in and left at any time.

An hour was a long time for me. It won’t be that way every time. It worked for this time. I had already set a boundary that any disrespectful tone or statements will result in me ending the conversation a few days prior. She didn’t test my resolve on this day. She will and I will have to end it and leave. I’m prepared for that.

I’m getting better at this too. The concept of validating and not agreeing is a tough one. Steve hit it on the head earlier in this thread. You don’t have to give a crap about what they said to validate. You are validating their feeling not their actions, thoughts, or words.

This was a different conversation than in the past for us. This was the first time I didn’t leave upset and angry. It had very little to do with what she said, it had everything to do with how I handled it. Control myself and my reactions. I can end it at anytime if she decides to become vile and spew vitriol at me. So can you.

AS put it well for me a bit earlier. Validation is a one way street. Most people don’t know how to do it. If you only give validation expecting to receive it back I don’t think it will work. My W has no concept of validation. She is the best invalidater I know. Recognizing that behavior from her and not trying to get her to validate my statements is a it step for me. Previously I would have tried to get her to understand by repeating myself, stating in a different manner, using different words; all looking for the validation of my feeling. I’ve stopped looking for validation, instead choosing to validate others as a way to improve myself. It’s only been a few short days since I set my mind to this, there will be setbacks, but I can see progress within myself and in my relationships with others.