Married couple from Scandinavia

[DnJ]

Good Morning Ben

I keep going back and forth between being certain I want out and that I deserve better than this to feeling like I must not give up. The thought of being single doesn´t bother me right now for some reason. But I´ll probably feel different about this soon. I trust my own feelings as little as I trust hers right now.

Look at this again.

Ben, you are right, you cannot trust your feelings right now. Feelings are fleeting, they will and do change. Never make decisions based on emotions and feelings.

Tonight, just an hour ago my wife came home after being with her friends at a bar. I noticed her wedding ring wasn't on her finger. I couldn't stop myself so I asked where the ring is. She seemed shocked and caught off guard. Went searching for it and found it in her purse. Didn't say anything except a nervous "I took it off". She brought it and put it right back on.

I was seconds from saying, "sorry, I can't do this anymore". But instead I decided to write here and not mention anything until tomorrow.

Good job on bringing it here and not blowing up at home.

This is the counterintuitive part of this mess. You are attached and making decisions based on your feelings. You don’t realize all the decisions, reactions, and thoughts you are creating based on your emotional state. It is normal, and takes time and mental assertiveness to overcome and get through this.

Detachment wouldn't have given a crap if her ring was on or not.

So she took her ring off and that's the straw that broke the camel's back?

So far she hasn't seen any reaction from me besides asking where her ring is. I've remained calm.

But she crossed a boundary by taking the ring off, should that really not have any consequences? As in, she needs to move out now?

No, she doesn’t need to move out now. That idea is emotional driven.

For the next few minutes, please put your feelings aside as best you can, and really stay with me with your intellectual side, your reason and logic.

I get it Ben. Rings symbolize a lot about your relationship. She took her’s off, and now you say she has to have consequences? It is a ring. A circular bit of metal.

I understand, your hurt, upset, scared, and unsure what to do. It’s just a ring Ben, and W doesn’t (for the moment) see or feel about it the way she used to.

Removing their ring is minor compared to what some LBSs' deal with. Ben are you a bit controlling?

Controlling doesn’t mean keeping her under lock and key or checking where she is, etc... That is one form of being controlling, not what I and I think Steve is talking about.

The statement - You can’t control anyone but yourself. You control your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

A boundary for her removing her ring is you attempting to control her thoughts and actions. You can only control your’s.

You expect W to wear her ring, she didn’t and look what happened. Expectations, keep them at zero. Having expectation of her is akin to believing you know her, and therefore can more or less predict what she will do or think or feel. Rather controlling in a way.

W is different right now, and is exploring what she wants to do. Time and space, let her come back to you. You cannot force it, put a boundary on it, or control it.

Please see, I am not belittling your feelings, they are very real, and very temporary. Honest, they will flit away once you stop feeding them.

You did ask some specific questions regarding money and concert tickets. Basically do not give her “extra” money, you are not her Dad. And she can buy concert tickets. She needs to grow up and take on the responsibilities and consequences of her choices. Don’t be mean or cruel, just not enabling.

Now, I am not sure of your two’s financial arrangements. How good a job she has, how much you have previously supported her over the years, and so on. I do know you have stated the prenuptial agreement splits you and her pretty clearly. Perhaps she needs to experience this (or part of this) before it actually gets enacted.

That is a tricky path. Start small, no freebie concert tickets, and build from there.

I don't know what the next steps should be. How do I detach when we spend so much time together?

Focusing on you!

Detach your emotions from her.

How? Don’t jump to boundaries when she takes off her ring. Just shrug and keep going about your day. I know how hard that is. So, until you actual get there, keep coming here venting, and getting encouragement and lessons. Listen to the counsel from others, read what others have done, what worked, what didn’t. Keep moving forward.

Fake it till you make it. Behave detached. Your mind will make it so.

Be accurate in thought and heart. See things clearly, not just with W, it is really more with you.

And language usage. Using can’t, this makes something impossible. Your mind is listening. If you say I can’t do this, well you won’t be able to. Instead be accurate. See it as what is really going on - won’t. Very few things are impossible. Save that word and idea for things that are truly impossible - like you getting pregnant. That can’t happen. No matter how much you want it. See how your mind hears the word can’t.

Can’t, won’t, will, do, try, etc. How we speak has an affect on us and our perceptions of our reality, our feelings, our thoughts, and our beliefs. These affects build upon each previous one and cause a dramatic shift in one’s self. The way we talk to ourselves is possibility the biggest and best way to move forward. Actually, in my opinion, it is the single most important thing you will (or won’t) do.

There really is no try. You will or you won’t. Trying just predisposes you to fail. Choose to succeed, then it is just a matter of time and effort.

DnJ