Married couple from Scandinavia

[SteveLW]

So far she hasn't seen any reaction from me besides asking where her ring is. I've remained calm.

But she crossed a boundary by taking the ring off, should that really not have any consequences? As in, she needs to move out now?

We only suggesting kicking her out of the mbr if she is in an active affair. Kicking a spouse out of the house has legal ramifications.

Removing their ring is minor compared to what some LBSs' deal with. Ben are you a bit controlling?

No, I don't think I am. I have never commented on her staying out late or on anything else she felt like doing. I understand what other LBS's go through but I don't want to do that. Her removing the ring is huge for her. And it would be totally understandable if we had decided to end the relationship or perhaps even a trial separation. But to do it because she was out partying, that is major for her. To give you and idea on how bad she thinks it is -

I have always hated jewelry. I was fearing having to have a ring on my finger because it's always bothered me. Ever since I was a kid I've been like this. I've never worn any necklaces, rings or bracelets. The feeling of metal on my skin makes me itch for some reason. The first few weeks after we were married felt like torture, but I never took it off. Still today it doesn't feel pleasant to wear it but I do. When we talked about this after the wedding she said I must NEVER take it off. That I'll just have to get used to it. Having rings was very important to her. So for her to do this now means a lot. I was preparing for the worst so I'm not surprised but this is a boundary she crossed.

Is it controlling that I won't tolerate her breaking a rule that was so important to her? I didn't mean I would kick her out of the house or threaten her to leave. But if we end our relationship she knows she has to leave because that was our agreement before we got married.

This morning she is feeling guilty, I can tell. She suggested having lunch together, laid closer to me in bed than usual. I won't mention the ring of course but how can I show that I won't accept that from her? If I was to say anything her guilt would transform to defensiveness and anger probably. On Monday we have our next MC session. I don't know what to say while there.

I don't know what the next steps should be. How do I detach when we spend so much time together? I can't GAL enough since I have the dog. I'm starting to feel like a burden to my friends since I'm always asking someone to be dog sitter so I can do GAL activities. Everything keeps pointing to the fact that it would be better if she just moved out. I'm aware she might start seeing other men then but by staying in our apartment together, not having any chance to miss me but instead see me almost every day - how is that good for us? Yes, I work out, read books and meet friends, but in the end we sleep together in the same bed every night. Perhaps it's best if we just end this let her live the life she thinks she wants and I can move on with mine and maybe I meet her again one day but maybe not.

Ben, I am questioning how much reading you've done here. Did you read DR? Did you do all of the reading Cadet linked? One of the biggest things sandi tries to get LBH's to understand is that your WAW/WW IS NOT THE GIRL YOU MARRIED ANYMORE! Her values and priorities are different.

When my W and I got married my W and I were discussing someone who had cheated on their spouse. My W said "Please never cheat on me!" 20 years later, two BDs and two EAs, and a raging WW period later, I had to come to the realization that she was not the same woman. After BD 12/23/2017 multiple times my WW encouraged, talked about, said she hoped, I would just go out and meet someone. And that it would be so much easier If I had cheated on her.

You have to come to the realization that you aren't dealing with the girl where wearing rings was SOOOO important.

Ben, DBing has one crucial foundation: patience. Impatience will get you to D faster than anything else. I know in your sitch you don't seem to have a lot to lose. You have no kids. You have a prenup. It might just be easy to pull the plug move on and hope for better next time. But there is a stigma that goes along with being D'd. You have to tell potential new people in your life. Answer questions about why. There is life after D, just talk to some the vets here that have been through it, but I've yet to meet anyone that says: "I am so glad I married the wrong person and got D'd!" Also, if you do not earn your way out of your marriage you will be stuck with baggage you carry into future relationships. Do the work to deal with all of the emotional baggage, work through it and make sure to deal with it all. The other risk you run is looking back with regrets. "Did I really do everything I could to have saved it?" "Did I exhaust every avenue and all ways to attempt to save it?"

So do the work necessary to earn your way out of your marriage.

I am the same way with jewelry. That is why I was ecstatic to find silicone rings! Seriously look into them. They are amazing and feel like you are wearing nothing at all. And you can work in them. I even keep it on at the shooting range. With my gold band I had to take it off at the range. I recommend checking them out.