H has found an apartment and is leaving at the end of the month. I was so torn the past month or so, and at times I wanted him to leave, but the reality of it is crushing. I knew the moment he went to look it would happen. Once he gets something is his head, he is determined to make it happen. He states he is crushed, hurt, and completely overwhelmed. I can see his sadness all over his face.
We have had many conversations over the past few days, and we both admit that this is the hardest thing we have ever had to do. H feels that this may be the best way to try to work on our relationship as our current situation is not working. We have both been on this rollercoaster and it is confusing for both of us. One moment we are hugging, laughing, connecting, and the next we are living in the state of awkward separation. I agree with H that we cannot continue to live the way we are living. I do not want him to leave, but there is nothing I can do to stop him.
I know he has done some terrible things in the past 4 months, but he is coming out of this fog and is more of the man I recognize and love. He is remorseful, apologetic, and recognizes that he has some work to do to earn back my trust. He can't even live with himself when he thinks of how much he hurt me. He continues to tell me how much he loves me and thinks that this is a new chapter in our marriage, that we have tried everything else and perhaps this is what we need. He worries that if he stays everything will get swept under the rug, we will move on, and nothing will get resolved. That we will eventually end up right back where we are today.
This is what he suggests our "new chapter" should look like- dating each other, out to dinner once a week, day trips to the beach, shopping, etc. Continue to talk and text on a regular basis. Visit the house on weekends to see the dog, mow, etc. He says he has not given up hope for us. He does not even want to tell anyone, yet recognizes we must. He suggested we tell people that we are taking some time apart to work on our relationship, he does not want to use the word 'separation'.
I am trying not to give up hope. I am trying to focus on the positive, that my H wants to try to work on things. I have screwed up a lot this past week. Lots of tears, lots of desperation, which I know is not attractive. It also stresses H out because he feels responsible and doesn't know how to fix it. Right there that should be my cue to get back to GAL. I did much better today. I put on a happy face, pleasant morning conversation, put on a kick a** outfit, went to work and the gym. And guess who texted me this afternoon?
I guess I will make the best of the next 30 days, continue to GAL, and hope for the best.
Last edited by job; 06/01/1911:07 AM. Reason: removed former links and edited first sentence
