Guys I'm really having a hard time with my rage. Four things causing it. One being compulsive thinking about entire R, looking for Clues and ques and words against actions with W throughout M. Been reading a bit of Rollo Tomassi and Esther Perle lately. Kind of getting red pilled. The more I learn realizing the more I understand and more clarity I have how women just are. I'm here I'm really angry that I cannot have much of a social life. Plus every time I come home from where I am traveling from, there's always more stuff being done around the house by her more stop being boxed up. Every time I come home on Friday she always remind me that she's making plans. It f@$!ing pisses me off to no end when she goes out. Most of the time it doesn't bother me and I don't let it show and usually I know it's with girlfriends without her having to tell me. But she's real sneaky about it doesn't say where she's going or what she's doing. There is one girl friend who is getting married who she's been spending a bit of time with along with my brother's ex-girlfriend who is recently divorced. These two friends of hers have no connection with one another. I don't know if this is my paranoia. I can't put my proof or finger on it and I know I need to let this go. But as soon as one of her girlfriends started her bridal party plans with the bridesmaid stuff that my W was involved with, the very first bridal party Gathering I noticed something was off with her back in August and then after in January or February when she start separating everything. The first bridal party event she went to that is when the Rings came off I also noticed she started wearing lipstick doing her nails wearing different perfumes and start trimming her nether regions. I again I don't know for sure but I think there's something going on there. I just want to know if my suspicions and instincts and intuition is right? There are definitely enablers there
I've been trying my hand at online dating but no luck yet and it seems like the more profiles I brows through the more all the women sound the same... Jaded, or flaky, or just not for me.
I hate the fact that I can't have a social life because of custody schedule. I hate the fact that I have to always go back to that house to see her because of my son. I hate the fact that I have to box up all my $hit still, find a storage locker, eventually start looking for a new home or apt. I'm so f@$ing angry with her. I'm angry that the past means absolutely nothing to her. I'm angry she can't see what a hard-working dedicated good person I am despite me being a bit emotional. Guys I've tried being present and it was working couple of months ago for a couple of weeks. I feel like I have no time to myself and I'm forced to go back to a place in the person that I don't want to be, until the house sells. It's not even on the market yet. I'm finding only small tidbits of temporary joy. Is compulsive thoughts on trying to figure out everything that went wrong and how and why does give me insight and their mistake I want to learn from this I don't make them again in the future. But going down that road it just makes me more angry the more I learn. Not entirely at myself up because women just do $hit that's f@$!ed up by their own nature. I've seen it throughout my five relationships. Them going from you being the best thing since sliced bread from them nagging you or them trying to change you for them not being happy or satisfied with what you bring to the table, well they bring nothing but their good charm and looks. People are telling me Chase Excellence not women and their right. A man goes in a relationship hoping things will never change, a woman goes in a relationship hoping that things change and grow all the time and if you are not growing at the same Pace as them for changing with them, or satisfying them then you are beta. I do understand that they are reactive freetress and they're only reacting to who I am. Even though there are some things I've gotten better at over the years of other things within my frustration tolerance I need to work on with myself. I will never let my guard down or marry again knowing what I know.
I really hate being here in this place. I wish I could just fast forward to a new apartment A New Life in a new me, where the focus is nothing but myself and my S1. My feelings of betrayal keep coming up, no matter who I vent to, no matter how many times it temporarily gets displaced with GAL. No matter how many councelors I talk to. I wish I could be happy alone and be happy without a woman in my life. But I don't know if I can it's just the way I'm wired. I've been pursuing girls and woman since I was 4 years old. I hate being single. I hated being single since I was 16.. I actually feel like Mikey from the movie Swingers, but I definitely don't come across that desperate. I know I'm responsible for my own happiness and that no one else could ever provide that to me nor should they. I just either want an intact family with son and W, or I want to restart my own life and be where I want to be and do what I want to do, and have a successful thriving time doing it.
Maybe once I start up a band with my co-worker and I start doing what I love, maybe my focus will change in time?
