Yes it will matter. Because you can be a changed person regardless. Change yourself into someone she can be secure and safe with.
SoTorn -
I agree. So how do I demonstrate I am safe and secure?
I want to talk (which she said she wanted to do 11 days ago) primarily to demonstrate that I am safe and secure. That I can handle my emotions, that I am neither distant nor histrionic.
DB’ing can come across as aloof and distant, or like someone not caring. It is kind of dangerous. I like the self-improvement aspect but I feel sometimes like it is only adding to the iciness in my sitch.
Tonight W was on the phone for awhile with one of her D’ed friends. I’m sure the subject was discussed. I won’t jump to any conclusions. W did the hermit act after the talk - went to the MBR, never engaged with me rest of the night. Four weeks ago I would be falling apart. Tonight I am... well... I am nervous, but I’m smart enough not to read anything into it. I can write out all the scenarios and any of them are plausible.
I don’t even really want to have a serious R talk, my idea was a small talk just to get my W to open up some deeper feelings. I think our communication is so screwed up we absolutely need counseling. I think it would help a lot. But she has to want to go. I was hoping some talk at home would at least initiate an interest, or at least show her that I care.
IMO this shows a lot of worrying about what she is thinking or doing and not focusing on yourself. I understand you're concerned about the outcome, but if you keep worrying about this kind of stuff it is going to seep out into your actions and she is going to sense that.
I wouldn't have any relationship talks unless she initiates them. If it was 11 days ago and she hasnt brought it up again, then she most likely doesnt want to talk.
This isn't easy. In my view detachment is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. BC I love my W. Still. But it has to happen.
Focus on you and your kids. Let her work her stuff out, man.
