Possible WH or ???

[SteveLW]

Thank you for replying Steve. The thing is since his A came out, it really did seem to change, I just don’t understand what stops us from moving forward. H says he wants it to work, is dedicated and will try anything...but I’m absolutely friend zoned. He loves me like a family member, the mother of his kids, is attracted to me, wants sex but just isn’t in love with me. We have had more fun together since he’s moved out than we have in years and like I say the affection had come back. I think the fatal mistake I made was say “I love you” and it pretty much started from there going back to him retreating.

I’m trying to save our marriage, that’s why I’m here! We are each other’s best friends but is that all it is? How on earth must I figure that out when he says he wants us to be together but knows he isn’t in love with me? Hence me not knowing what to do.

My GAL is mostly meeting with friends when he has the kids, exercising, studying, reading and eating better (I lost a lot when he first moved out). My 180s are not interrupting and actively listening, not initiating txt conversations, not making date plans and just generally not being needy. I think I’ve lovingly detached - it doesn’t affect my day if he doesn’t contact me or if he was to say he was too busy to be involved with plans I’ve made for the kids. I literally don’t know what else to do. I love him!

Steve, when you say we both need a lot of help and need to be fully committed, what exactly do you mean by help? Do I DB, do we go to MC (he says he’d go but doesn’t believe talking to someone will change how he feels) do I have R conversations or avoid them still? We both say we are committed, but nothing seems to have a lasting change on his love for me. Do I just accept all we are is friends that co-parent? It sounds like if we are extremely dysfunctional then maybe that’s better for the kids? I just don’t know.
I massively appreciate your input and advice, I’m just very lost on what my next steps should be.

First, you are having more fun than you have in years because he is getting his cake and eat it too! He gets to go where he wants with whom he wants and with them whatever he wants, and he has you on a leash to pull anytime he feels you are getting to far away. Lots of spouses in sitches like yours go into denial about all of that. When I read your posts I see a woman hanging on his every word, wanting to believe what he says to keep you attached. And you are falling for it hook, line and sinker. If he wanted to work on the R, if he wanted to make things work, if he really cared about the marriage he would be home.

Now, what I meant that you both need a lot of help, is that you are both very flawed. Like most of us are/were. So you need to concentrate on fixing you! IC. Self-help books. Support groups. Really focus on what you need to fix to be a healthy, happy, engaged partner. That you obviously weren't with the EA/PA.

Once you are working on yourself you need to put some parameters around moving to R with him. Like he needs to get into IC. That he needs to work on his flaws. That things have to change on his side before you would even entertain letting him come back. Make him do his work!!

MC would be fruitless at this point. A waste of time and money. You both need to step back from trying to make things work until you both have worked on yourselves.