5LL is for two committed partners. When one jumps off the cliff it goes out the window.
You know pressure doesn't work, but your emotions want instant gratification. Think with your head.
And one more thing, you'll feel better when you stop worrying about want you can't control (her) and go have some fun.
You are so right that I want instant gratification. I always have with her. I feel like I NEED her love. I am dependent on it. I have not been that way with anyone else in my life, but I just feel that way with her. I don't know why, and I am working on that with my IC.
I pray everyday that I can stop worrying about what I can't control. I ask God to take over this for me. For Him to do His work, but I just can't let go. But I will keep asking and keep trying. I know that I have to do that for my own sanity.
There is a part of me that knows that the 5LL won't work. It just fits my personality so much. In fact, the funny thing is that I think for the most part I have followed the 5LLs pretty well throughout my marriage. When I look back on my marriage I think I have actually been a pretty good husband. I have been a good provider, put her on a pedestal, been a good dad, and was never mean to my wife. That is what is so confusing.
But I know that I need to stop blaming myself and convince myself that this is her not me. She needs to fix her. And now I need to find the strength to fix me now that I feel so destroyed. I have been a pretty strong man throughout my life. It is just this event that is bringing me to my knees. 6 plus months of crying everyday is terrible suffering to go through. My depression feels like it is stopping me from having fun.
I feel like I have forgotten how to have fun.
This is the best post you've made since you've been here. Insightful, introspective, starting to understand the truth of your situation. Keep this up because this is how you eventually get to DBing well.
Like many newbies you are struggling in limbo. But limbo is the gift of time! So many get BD'd as the WAS is actually physically walking out the door. If you think your sitch is rough imagine being in that situation. Where they don't tell you who they are with, where they are going, many times they don't even provide contact information! So your sitch could be a lot worse. Maybe that is God working in your sitch. You seem to have faith, so put your faith in him. That no matter what happens he has a plan for you and you will be ok. Maybe he is showing you that your codependency on your W was not healthy. Life is full of things that make that unhealthy. Serious illness and death could come at anytime to anyone, and keeping things in perspective and having the right attitude is so important. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. And as a Bible student myself from essentially birth, I truly believe the Bible teaches us that principle as well. (Read Job sometime for example!)
You will survive Destroyd. And that should become your new perspective, that no matter what she decides, you will thrive and live!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
