Am I doing this right??

[sandi2]

Hi Goddess........(love the name!)

I don't know that I can add anything to the great advice you have already received. Just going to share some thoughts. The first thing I would suggest is stop trying to fix your MR. Let go of your H. I'm not telling you to divorce him, I'm saying to drop that tight emotional rope you have around him. Trust me, he feels it. It's pressure to him, and works like garlic to a vampire.

Luckily I got my stuff together and stopped loosing and regained my appetite. Started eating better and working out. I have maintained my 180's in most places.

Good, focus on being fit & healthy......not skinny.

Backslid a tiny bit into emotional shopping territory but knowing its an issue so it makes it easier to pull myself up short.

I understand how you probably had to buy a new wardrobe after so much weight loss. However, emotional shopping is an addiction, which can lead to hording and other problems. It can destroy relationships, especially if the W is spending her H's money on her addiction. So, if you need IC or whatever to help you in this area, I hope you will follow through. You've shown you "can" control it, but those moments of relapse can be a deal breaker in some R's.

Still has only mentioned divorce one other time in Dec around the time OW went out of country. Oh they know each other from work. Well she was physically out of the picture for about 5 months. This seemed to take tremendous pressure off H. He was nicer to me again. Having normal conversations and no longer looking at me like the enemy.

He is/was getting pressure from two women. Both were making demands, in their own way. So, when OW was gone, he felt relieved and turned to you......b/c by then, you felt the threat of OW ease, and you probably let up on the pressure from your end. However, he is addicted to the thrill that OW provided........much like the feeling you get through shopping.

So my question is am I handling this whole thing right? I know MLC is on their timeline and I do truly hope he finds peace in himself. I am willing to give him time and space. I know i have no control over anything but myself. I also know that i can't do anything about the affair. I just dont want to make things worse.

Is he still financially providing for you and the kids?

Well, here's what I would do. He would never know I lost a wink's sleep thinking about him and his OW. I would NEVER make any reference to her. I would find my own employment (part time, anyway) for my own self esteem purposes. My GAL would keep me so busy that he would find it difficult to get me into a texting conversation. If it's about business or the kids, I would keep it short and have a professional tone. I'd learn to not be chatty-Cathy with text responses. I wouldn't be cold, but just nonchalant. You know, when a gal is filling her life with new experiences and letting go of things she can't control.......well, there's just a different air about her.

I would always look good. No, I'd look hot! (I'd make him regret leaving me!) Actually, others may tell you that's not a good attitude......but I'm just saying it would give a lot of motivation for "me time" at the gym, the spa, beauty shop, etc. Instead of the "mom look", I'd update it, and who knows......he might not even recognize me the next time at kid swap.

It is rare to have a woman on the board who was wayward, WAW, or MLC. It is even more rare to hear from a man who had that experience. The few I remember giving their story, said how they were drawn back to their LBW. It was when he felt she was truly moving on and leaving him behind. She would be nice, she wouldn't bad talk him, try to hook him by finding excuses to have him come to her place, etc. He's see her wearing new hair styles, maybe change color, looking fit, dressing nice, etc. But there was no pressure from her.

Goddess, this is true when the shoes are on the other feet. The spouse that wants out, or can't make up their mind what to do........will always wake up and sense they are really loosing the one they want. That means, you've got to do the walk, know what I mean? Stop hanging out with him. You don't need to be talking to him, when you've been drinking.

Okay, so does he ever go to the house to spend time with the kids? If so, do you get dolled up and leave? Try it and be a little mysterious. He doesn't need to know about your personal life. There's a contact number, should there be an emergency.

Here's the thing. He needs to miss you! He can't miss you, if your presence is with him. If you are texting......he has your presence. If he sees you, he has your presence. LBW's are afraid of removing themselves, b/c of their fear of losing the H & MR. Don't let him more than just glimpses of you, b/c you need to give him that space from you. The tough part is to let him get all of OW he can stand. Let him get so sick of her he'll puke at the sound of her voice. You let off the pressure, no nagging, no insecurity, no critical talk. He will get sick of the OW's jealousy, insecurity, pettiness, and emotional pressure. In the meantime, the Goddess is building a new life, and she's going to be just fine.