You're right. I know that very clearly. I knew even as I was asking him to come home what the answer would be, and I have it. It is sad but I am not surprised.
He finished work early today and said he wanted to pick up Youngest. He turned up about an hour ago. He wasn't wearing his wedding ring and picked up a few bits and pieces he'd brought to the house on Wednesday. He said he'd talked to one of his work colleagues about what I'd asked of him and apparently she had been laughing her head off (his exact words) at the thought he'd want to come home. He said 'someone you know topped themselves and I'm supposed to bend over backwards to give you what you want' and he had this look on his face he gets when he wants to hurt me - a real cruelty and a kind of joy in twisting the knife - but underneath that I saw a scared little boy who has had his toys taken away and is throwing a tantrum about it. That urge to be cruel and try to humiliate me and hurt me when he isn't getting what he wants is still there - I see that very clearly - and it's a part of his character that he needs to be willing to own and address and he isn't. I know it comes from fear - he's furious that he's not getting what he wants from me any more and he's lashing out in order to hurt me, and it didn't hurt me really. It was obvious. He can rationalise it any way he likes, but he's lost his willing compliant wife and he knows it. He'll be furious as long as he likes - I guess until he's willing to look at himself - and I won't listen to it anymore. I've said all I needed to say to him and drawn my line in the sand.
I might feel humiliated in the future about how open and vulnerable I was in the messages I sent to him on Wednesday - I didn't beg or plead but I told him how much I loved him, how sorry I was for the pain I'd caused him, and how much I wanted us to start building a new future together. I sent him a romantic poem and song that expressed some of how I was feeling - and in part, how I still feel - it was a big open hearted request that even as I sent it I knew what the answer would be, but I think it was honest and I made it once and I've had my answer and that's it now. This isn't about me withdrawing or applying LRT in order to get him to feel the loss of me and bring him back. This is about me ending our relationship. I think over these past few months I've slowly become too healthy to be abused or used any longer.
