Yorkie - I really don't believe he is having an A. If he is, then it doesn't really change my decision of today. Would I have acted differently over the last six months if I'd have known that for sure? I think I would have done, yes. But what's done is done. I've looked at myself, I've started to make the changes I need to make to address my own shortcomings - which are true no matter what he is doing or has done, and I've given him as much care and attention as I've been able to - and I've done it knowing full well that he hasn't been in position to return anything to me. I tried to do it freely, without conditions, and sometimes I succeeded at that and at other times I was trying to love him into coming back, or heal him, or do his growing for him. I accept that.
I think what I see today is that he isn't able to even consider that my needs are valid. Not being able to meet them is one thing - and totally forgivable. But he isn't even in a space where he can understand that a relationship needs two people in it. He wants me to 'hold on' to him - which basically means being available to meet what small needs he has from me, while not offering anything back. I don't want to do that anymore because it was making me incredibly sad when so much else in my life is making me happy. I am determined. I want to be happy. I want a great life. And it is perfectly possible for me to have a happy great life as a divorced woman, but it isn't possible to have one as the one person putting love into a broken marriage.
It is a shame that things are the way they are. I wish they weren't. But acceptance is needed, then action to move forward.
