Journalling: hectic day yesterday. Eldest's appointment went well. I managed to stay focused on him and he was pleased with how it went too - saw a much friendlier consultant than last time, which makes things easier. Some of them have no communication skills at all... traffic home was absolutely awful so we were pretty late back.H had made tea for us all, which was nice, and spent the afternoon out with Youngest. Everyone totally exhausted so bed early. Slept in bed with H, which was nice, and a bit strange.
He was affectionate with me and talked to me a bit about his work plans - it isn't set in stone yet and it turns out this new department is about to bring in some shift changes that would make moving there a bit pointless, so he's not decided yet. I just validated. He needs to decide next week and I said whatever decision he made, we'd make it work, and him balancing his own quality of life into it was really important. I also said that we could find a marriage counsellor who would see us in the evenings or at weekends, and we would make it work.
He also talked about taking some holiday between the end of this work project (next week) and the start of new job, if he takes it, which I think is positive. He was also very nice to me about the hospital appointment - we didn't talk about it in detail but he knows what was on his mind. He gave me a hug and said he didn't have much spare emotional energy to give me, but he was pleased I'd managed it all so well and he was proud of me, and that was enough, to be honest, as I wasn't up for a big feelings talk either.
This morning he was up early and brought me a coffee in bed. That was so lovely. I've missed that. He was getting ready and I said I'd been taking the kids out to the beach on Friday nights, and we'd be doing that tonight and if he wanted to come with us that would be fine, but I knew he might be tired after work (he is on his feet all day). He said he'd decide when he got back. Then about five minutes later he was talking to Youngest, telling her that he might not come home tonight, but if he didn't he would be back in the morning. I waited until we were alone and said - 'you might not come back tonight?' and he said, 'well, all my things are somewhere else,' and I nodded. And he said 'I can't just move in after all you've put me through,' and I said, 'okay. That's your choice. But I want you to know I meant what I said,' and he said 'we've obviously had some kind of misunderstanding,' and I said, 'I think I'm being really clear now and I think I was clear on Wednesday too. I meant what I said,' and he said he was going to be late for work and needed to go, and I wished him a good day.
So, that's where we are. I feel a bit shaky but okay. It is sort of what I thought would happen. Him pretending that I wasn't clear or it was just a misunderstanding is another type of evasion - him evading the crunch point that my boundary has brought him to. I didn't really think that giving him an ultimatum would get him back to the house and back with me. I didn't give it thinking that from then on it would be a happy ending. But I am determined that I won't carry on this half-life any longer, with him dropping in to family life when he wants it, and not when he doesn't. I didn't expect he would be here 100% from here on out - obviously he will have things to sort out at the room he is renting, etc etc. But I'm not going to have him pretend that this was a misunderstanding. I was clear and I am carrying on being clear. He either participates fully in working on our marriage which means coming home and coming to MC with me, or I go dark.
I'm going to leave him to it today. I doubt I will see him this evening. I won't contact him if he doesn't come home. He knows what the score is.
