So so new to this :(

[DnJ]

Hello Nyla

It is ok to explain MLC to your kids, in an age appropriate manner. They see the behaviour and need some explanation. The idea of saying he is crazy is a little comical, isn’t it. However, crazy is a pretty apt description of an MLCer’s behaviour.

Dad is having problems, or emotionally unstable, or upset, angry, depressed, etc... all are valid choices of what to tell them. The big thing is to discuss it to the level the kids comprehend.

Me and my kids have used the word crazy when it applied. Now we just refer to all this as - she’s troubled. That is a good fit for where we are now. We went through a lot of descriptive adjectives for her and her behaviour. There are many faces - troubled is a good summary.

I am glad the intellectual focusing worked for you so well. That is an excellent step towards gaining understanding, which in turn leads to compassion, kindness, empathy, forgiveness - you know those goals and headings you want to achieve. And yes a lot of insights will be revealed to you along your path.

Is it normal to start at this stage to wonder if he was right? Maybe we were unhappy? I started to think about it at the gym today. Maybe he wasn’t as wonderful as I thought he was. Am I fighting (or standing) because I was rejected? Maybe he didn't treat me as good as he should have. And walking out on me like that, what a jerk. But at the same time, I know these thoughts are not real. He was a good man, not perfect, but who is.

This is completely normal.

As denial fades away, questions start, self doubts about various beliefs of how things were will creep in, all quite normal and shows healing is taking place.

Your mind is trying to rationalize this. That is what we do. We rationalize the world around us; everything gets categorized and understood - well to certain level. I mean we all understand the Large Hadron Collider, just not to the level of the engineer who designed it (it was an entire team, not just one person, just illustrating ). However, we understand enough to let go of rationalizing about the LHC.

MLC is not a particle accelerator, it is an irrational behaviour driven from unseen and unknown forces from long ago traumatic experiences or pain. Hmmm, the accelerator might be easier to understand.

MLC is irrational. You are rationalizing H’s behaviour. Your mind is creating a reality that makes his behaviour rational or fits the facts. Of course his behaviour doesn’t fit the facts - so (and this is the big part) - you are questioning and could actually rewrite your own history to create facts to fit.

The questions like - maybe we were actually unhappy? Maybe his is right? Maybe he isn’t as wonderful as I remember him? Am I just doing this out of fear or rejection? And so on.

You are creating self doubt and questioning. And you are noticing this, which is a very good thing.

Nyla, please do not lose the truth. I experienced the same things. I have over 36,000 pictures of W and I, our 30+ years together. We were happy! We had a great life! I know that. I believe that. I also have proof.

You also have proof, memories, letters, gifts, cards, and such. However, your own mind is looking on how to reconcile this irrationality. This is what I mean when I say we all need a certain level of understanding before we will move forward.

Granted, BD is a pretty traumatic experience and in an instant you suddenly want him more than ever. A very understandable reaction; it is the whatever is taken away is what you’ll want most, kind of thing. This can augment positive traits and diminish or lessen certain negative traits about one’s wayward spouse. Focusing on you and your kids, allows time for you to settle, find detachment, and see clearer.

I think you can see that if one didn’t realize their rewriting, their background rationalizing of things, one would augment negative traits and failures, and lessen or discard positives regarding their wayward spouse. Creating a past reality to fit all those doubts that are creeping in.

Seek and hold on to the truth.

Our MLCers rewrite their history - augmenting our negatives or even creating ones, and they minimize or ignore any positives. They have to, they are drive to, they need to create facts to fit their ideas, fantasy, and created reality.

Do you see the similarities of the LBS and the MLCer. The cause is different, and we are not in crisis, however we both have pressures to embrace a different reality. The suffering spouse’s pressures are just enormous, while our’s are more manageable, and of course we are the sane and stable person. We can heal well, hold the truth, and thrive.

Our kids also have self doubts and questions. As I said, it is ok to explain MLC to your kids. I truly believe it is needed, they need understanding as well.

With intellectual understanding, you can uncouple fears and worry. That allows acceptance of your feelings and emotions. You can discover your core beliefs and alter, modify, discard, and strengthen them, based on who you really are, who you want to be, and what your choices are.

Understanding, compassion, and empathy are build upon a solid foundation of one’s beliefs. Those are the seeds of peace, a gentle and tranquil life, forgiveness, acceptance, and incredible self growth.

You have stepped onto the path, and are already walking. Keep your headings. Dig deep for patience. Focus on you.

DnJ