Feeling lost, scared and still fighting it... why?

[Turbine]

Back to my door and brick wall analogy. This protective order is a Foxtrotting sledge hammer... walk away from it Turbine.

Lots of hurt, despair, confusion, uncertainty and some loneliness.

Hurting her is the never on my mind. Always want to love her, support her, keep her safe. Another failure in my own eyes.

She hasn't acted like my wife since Jan '18. More roommate and a freeloading one at that.

Disappointed in her more than mad or angry. Even more myself.

Is that wrong?

[IHCLACS]

Yes I am Steve85. IC for BPD CBT. No worries. I am not a threat to anyone or myself. I could never do it. I love myself, life, and my son enough not to ever. Doesn't mean the thoughts aren't there or it doesn't pop into my mind from time to time. Have had many hardships before BD where I thought about it, and I know it passes. Usually eating, taking a break taking a nap, or talking about it with close trusted family helps. The thoughts and feelings usually pass within an hour or two. Now I know why everyone here says its essential to take care of body first, mind second, emotions third.

[Turbine]

Well today is my last day at current employer. Mixed feelings about that. Got lots of 2x4s from them over six plus years. Some about work. Some about what we are all here for. Some for just because. Learned a lot and hopefully taught a little too. No burned bridges there so that's god.

Feeling better today about things in general.

Don't hate her... not saying it to convince myself. I really don't. Still love her even. I got to work on me still... for me.

[Turbine]

Third day at new job. Intership so no guarantee long term. Got 10 weeks here working on stuff I never imagined.

Got a text message from her yesterday about the gutters. She sent three pictures and said she paid our neighbor to clean them. You know if you hadn't gone with a protective order we could have daved the money.

Didn't answer her text either. Almost didn't recognize her number too.

Appointment with my Dr. on Saturday about the prescribed med from the hospital stay. Getting some of the side effects. Not the major ones, a minor one. Apparently the major ones include why it was prescribed in the first place. Pretty messed up. Going to see if I can skip the meds. Yeah, I know it should helpme. I am stronger than that.

I will survive without her. I am open to something but she has more work to do. I am busy with me. Might not be her. Might be. In God's hands.

[ovrrnbw]

T,

good luck at the new gig. Make the most out of those Dr appointments and make sure to put yourself first and not get suckered into anything else.

[Turbine]

Court today about the protection order.
Apparently she has been at church lately.
I don't know what it means. Maybe uncertain.
Working on me.

[IHCLACS]

What is the protection order about?

[Turbine]

She felt threatened.
20 more days to next court date. Combined with the divorce.
So not where I wanted to be.
Feel so hurt all over again. Wasn't feeling much toward her either. This is so messed up. I only want to love her unconditionally and forever. I will. But not getting loved back... so hard.
Heartbroken... again...

[ovrrnbw]

You need to quit allowing yourself to become heartbroken.

[neffer]

Just keep working on yourself T.

Stand strong there man!