Went to IC yesterday. He dropped a bomb on me of his own - he thinks my W is scared to talk to me.
I pushed back hard. Why would somebody with 3 small kids choose D over talking?
Well, I guess I can see it... I scared the hell out of her when I pulled over on the side of the road in March. This I agree with. Then I followed up with a series of long letters - apologizing for everything I had done, admitting to some abusive behavior, professing my life-long love for her, how I want a future together. Afterwards I asked to talk in person, as I intended to apologize F2F. This is when she said, "Maybe in front of your IC". Looking back at all this, I can see how she may have thought I was obsessive. She noticed my weight loss, said she was worried about me, asked me to see a doctor. The letters, intended to show her I cared and wanted her back, instead probably pushed her away because they were scary in their intensity.
Then I found DB...
I can understand now why she might be scared, but it still bothers me that she didn't open up a bit more beforehand. In March I think she started thinking about leaving, we had 2 months (since January) of not really talking about things. I thought she needed space, every time I approached her she seemed sad or hurt or angry, but maybe I didn't try hard enough. I know for a fact I didn't validate. I felt righteous, "I'm ready to talk and she isn't". We went on vacation and barely talked.
Then I had an aha moment in March, pulled over on the side of the road, and here we are. I've spent the month of May really just not acting on my intense emotions, showing W I am calm, steady, etc. June is arriving, and July I expect the BD.
So here I am again... I know I frustrate a lot of people on this forum with my posts. I don't mind the push back, this is a sounding board and I want to hear the opinions. I am working on myself. I know in the worst-case I can survive D. A month ago that scenario was so catastrophic I couldn't even think about it.
But I just don't agree that letting my W go right now is the "answer."
Jan-Mar: I assume she wants space. I probably went too far. I was basically DB'ing and not concerning myself with her feelings. Mar-Apr: I freaked out, over-pursued, and scared the hell out of her. May: I DB, she is upset about my distance.
Look... it's a pattern. I'm either distant, or she thinks I'm liable to flip out. I was basically DB'ing from Jan-Mar and it dug me a deeper hole in my M. I felt great about myself during this time, was exercising a lot, giving her a wide berth.
I'm not really sure what I'm going to do at this point.
- My W is not in an EA/PA. It's just not possible. She's always with the kids, or with friends, and she always send pictures when out with friends.
- If my W thought our M was abusive, she would not be upset about my distance.
I can only conclude that she is seriously unhappy and sees a life without me as a happier path. Why would that be? Perhaps because I have been either emotionally distant or writing crazy obsessive letters....
