Thanks for being here, Sandi, SoTorn, R2C, IH, LH, and everyone else. Sorry if I missed anyone. I am just taking it one day at a time. Being in this situation has made my depression worse. I try to find little positive things to keep me going. The feeling of another loss, my dad just taking off and leaving my handicap mover to take care of is so difficult. My IC told me this is probably the most difficult part of your life. But she reminds me this is not permanent. That I will find my own place eventually (waiting for w to buy me out). I will find love again. My d eventually will come around. I told my IC I get that, but I’m living this hell now. I read a quote the other day that fits how I feel, it goes like this: When people have nightmares they wake up to get away from it then feel relief. I go to sleep and try to stay asleep to get away from my nightmare. I am trying to GAL, but it’s hard. Trying to be the best dad with my kids. I took them to the air show at the beach this weekend, took them to an aquarium, went to a friends house. Took them to a amusement park. I don’t want them to see how depressed I am and that I feel like I am dying on the inside. This forum helps me a lot, a safe space to talk and know I am not the only one going through d hell. I know we are not suppose to live in the past but it’s hard. A year ago I was turning 40 and my w had all these nice things planned for me. She surprised me with a weekend away for the 2 of us with this crazy couples massage. A romantic getaway. Then she surprised me with a 40th surprise birthday party at the vineyards with all our friends. And now to be here just blows me away. I know I have to let go of those memories it’s just hard. Thanks for listening.
Wolfy you are not alone. I totally understand the part about wanting to sleep to get away from this nightmare. I take naps on my lunch break, naps sometimes at home, and fall asleep to meditation music fully dressed just to get away from the pain. I took my 1 year old son alone to a winery/concert this weekend, after I rejected the W's invite to the beach this weekend. He did have a good time climbing the hills, playing in the apple orchards. (Yes there were other kids there.) Ran into one of my co workers, felt like a loser because he knows my sich, and I'm there without anyone else. S1 was teething, didn't have much of an appetite, developed a low grade fever, and threw up in the car, I got home, MIL was at house, she notices how frazzled I was getting him cared for, changed and washing the car seat out. She later texted me that she was thinking about me and the whole situation. The text unexpectedly upset me because she asked that W and I take care of each other. I wanted to write her back but couldnt. I will but will keep M out of it. She is scheduled to have a hysterectomy next week because her cancer is spreading, after 5 years of remission and colon cancer, I was writing back to her that day but I chose not to. She is always in my thoughts and prayers, but she said that you and W need to stick together and help each other out. I almost lost it when I read that. I was so raging angry that day. Not at S1 but situation, and the fact that I'm going to have to do this alone without W and a part of me deeply resents W for it. Went to my mom's the following day. Mom has a walker, COPD, lives with 10 cats 2 dogs, brothers and nieces living in Mom's house which is falling apart. I gave up helping them a few years ago, because they need to help themselves. they have made so many poor choices in life and refused to change or get rid of the house, so I stopped partaking in their drama. Place is disgusting, Younger brother did all he could, but yard and house were a mess, it took him 2.5 hrs to make burgers from startup time. It rained and I couldn't take my S1 in the house. I feel like I have no support system whatsoever. I love my family and they are emotionally there for me but they are dysfunctional nonetheless. when I came home from work travel wife employed people to finish my projects around the house since I'm not home and she hired someone to clean up the yard. she already has secured a storage unit that has had people move all of her stuff out of the house. I hate the fact that the W is selling out the house from under me, because I can't afford to buy her out. My life has no joy in it other than my S1, and I don't even know how im going to create a better life, place, environment, upbringing for him by myself, when I still have to figure out what I'm going to live or how I'm going to take care of myself. Trial by fire I suppose? I have 2 friends which I can't make time for, barely have time to GAL. On A good note, I got together with an old co-worker I may be forming a band as me as the lead singer. I may have a coffee date for this weekend but I don't know if I want to go through with it. I don't think I'm ready. Plus I don't have my own place yet. I hear what you are saying about the memories of W and all the one of the things they did for us and wonderful memories. Because the denial and the acceptance part of it still has us wondering how someone that we put all of our hope love and trust can betray us like this?
Just when we think we're good for a couple of weeks we wind up initiating R talks again, and losing our emotional stability from things that creep up there unresolved. I've done it practically every other weekend, even though I don't want to because I have no other outlets. I can't go to therapy while I'm away for work I know all the GAL stuff is just filler. It feels like filler and we know it. But it helps. it [censored] being in this hell losing the person you love losing your home not knowing where you're going to live. Having no support system no one to talk to and no time to even take for yourself other than work work work and pay bills, fix things, fix broken car, and read until I pass out. I'm actually getting to the point where I wanted to try to remain emotionally stable when I do have my weekends off I try and to stay out of the house, go for a hike or nature walk go somewhere anywhere, but as a result, my responsibilities are getting neglected. Everything is going wrong in my life, with no relief or support system or enjoyment of it. Its like having no direction or purpose other than to be miserable, work, and pay bills, and get through this out the other side, into our own.
Just when you thought you have it bad, remember, someone else always has it worse.
Listen to what R2C has to say about being present. Those little moments are what is going to keep you present, sane, and moving forward. These are long grueling situations we are in, but have to keep moving forward. If not for us, then for our kids. Sandi is right. We have to take care of ourselves first. If we fail, the whole thing around us, people who depend on us falls.
