Journalling The talk I went to last night was a LOT of fun, really enjoyed it but was glad it finished early so I didn't have too late a night (this GAL stuff is tiring!). I chatted to a young girl sitting next to me, that was lovely to chat to a complete stranger at a very different stage of life from me. I weakened and sent H a text this morning and he texted back, but I will not do this again. I am still flip-flopping between the idea that if he is having an A then I'm doing exactly the wrong thing telling him I'm plan B. And then thinking that if he's going through a MLC and just clinging onto things while struggling through his life that he needs someone to be there for him. And that maybe little by little we can build a connection again, since we've had a few times when we seemed to get closer (only for him to shove me away though). Maybe the truth is neither of those things. And in any case I need to keep on GAL, working hard and doing my life to the best of my ability and living in the moment whilst pushing aside my needs for love and affection and intimacy and sex. Though I don't know how much longer I can push those aside for, I really don't.
Anyway, I'm taking the kids and a friend of theirs away today for a few days, ought to be fun. Long walk with H on Sunday, I'll see how it goes. Must tattoo 'validation' on my eyelids and avoid any R talks like the plague. I expect H to get twitchy about me going away next weekend, he has always suffered separation anxiety when I go away but now he's not able to be nasty to me about it!
Just catching up with you Dilly, after my own rollercoaster. Your GAL sounds brilliant. I've not made many new friends in my separation, but I want to. I haven't tried meet up yet but I think I will.
It sounds like a lot of your decision making process is about whether H is having an A or is in MLC. It could be both, it could be neither, and it could be the truth that you will never know for sure. Your needs are totally valid. Your wish to be there for him is about what a good and kind person you are. And perhaps also based in some fear of what would happen if you let him go to go through whatever he is going through on his own? I think your GAL and working hard and living life plans are the right thing to do in any case. It might also be worth thinking about your needs and your H's inability to meet them and what that means for you today.
You know what, I don't think it actually makes that much difference whether he's having an A or not. As people keep telling me, he's being deceitful. And if he's not having an A, it's because he is pouring so much of himself into work and wine that there's nothing left over for any R. So he has chosen someone or something else other than his family, that much is clear. And he's unhappy and has been for a long time (that's not him rewriting history, that's me honestly assessing his behaviour over some years now). And I need to leave him be so he can see that I'm not the cause of his unhappiness. And you're right that I'm so scared of doing that. I really hope this trip helps me to detach a bit, I'm in a bit of a dark place right now. The hormones definitely don't help here, I'm so sick of feeling sore all the time.
The dark place is awful. I know exactly what you mean. The situation paints you into a corner that is miserable, and as long as we give someone else the power to get us out of that corner, we stay where we are. And getting out of it on our own is painful too. It's a horrible, horrible experience. Take care of yourself and move towards what makes you happy at your own pace.
Well I took the teens out for lunch and after a big meal and a wander along the beach I feel a lot less mopey. I think the biggest part of DBing is looking after me and making sure I don't mope too much. And now I need to get back to doing some work. Accomplishing something will also help me mope less. School holidays are rubbish for having time sitting about with no routine pondering things...
Dilly, I struggle with the same thing, am I being kind and supportive or acting like plan b? Which I def don't want to do, either.
When I start to spin I remember that I can make good choices every day and I don't have to figure this all out right now. I remember from the DB book Michelle wrote that we try it and keep doing it unless it stops working and then try something new. I also try and remember how I felt about myself when I did something (whatever it is, text etc). And have a nice chat with myself about how I will handle same situation in future.
I'm glad you had fun at your GAL and met someone new to talk to. Just keep doing what you need to for your health, peace and joy. The rest of the details, I am sure you will figure out.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Thanks 97Hope. My main problems come when I think about the future, so I just try not to think about it. It's my 25th wedding anniversary next month and my birthday, both very, very difficult for me to think about. Part of me wants to book some kind of holiday spanning the two dates (they're in the same week) so I have something planned for them. Though so far I've survived H's birthday and mother's day and they were both ok considering. My birthday can't be worse than last year (pre BD) when H went away and forgot my birthday entirely. I should have worked out something was up then, I feel so stupid at missing so many signs. One day I even saw he had a look of pain on his face but I was too scared to ask him what was going on, and I figured he was going through a hard time but didn't connect it with our M. I still don't know how much of it is his MLC and how much is our M. Maybe they're too hard to tease apart for him.
Anyway, thanks for the pep talk, you're right to focus on just living day by day and trying to get the most out of it. I've had a nice long weekend away actually, met up with a friend for a run and coffee this morning which was nice. Rearranged the walk with H to later tomorrow due to teen movements, weirdly we had lots of texting between H and I last night, quite friendly. Lots of GAL stuff lined up for next week seeing friends and then off to Europe on Friday, hooray!
Booking a holiday sounds like a great idea. Why don't you just do it, Dilly? You might still be sad, but you can be sad somewhere warm and while sipping a brightly coloured drink. Your H might remember, he might not. He might remember and feel too awkward or selfish or hungover or busy to cherish you as you deserve. I know cherishing yourself isn't the same, but I think booking a holiday over those two dates is a brilliant idea. Also - tell all your friends it is your birthday and you're going to be away so you get nice texts on the day itself.
Actually, I was thinking about booking a week long walking holiday and asking my friends to join me for a day out if they can make it (it's not that far for most of them, and some of them work flexible days). I think that would be a really nice way to celebrate my birthday without feeling completely alone. Ds1 could also join me by train for a day or two of it as well.
That sounds like a great plan. I loved my walking holiday. I'm not a runner like you are, but being outside and alone and in nature was really healing. And mixing that up with a celebratory day with friends sounds perfect.
