I know, Dilly. He was being utterly unreasonable. Whenever he has a complaint about something he dumps it all in my lap, calls me controlling and dismissive if I offer suggestions for repairing it, rejects any attempts at me offering empathy and compassion... I can't make his effort for him, I can't solve the mental health problems he is clearly having, and I can no longer be held responsible for them and be placed in a position where I live a half life waiting for him because he can't cope with a proper family life. My IC seems to believe that what he really wants is for me to apologise for everything and accept the blame, because blame is a person's way of putting uncomfortable feelings onto someone else - so long as he blames me for him feeling awful, he doesn't need to put the work into fixing whatever it is about his life and his marriage that makes him feel awful. I won't do that for him anymore.
I suspect that he doesn't want a divorce and he doesn't want to lose the services I am providing for him right now - the childcare, the understanding listening, the meals for his freezer now and again, the possibility that we can repair things in the future, the idea that he has a home he's just choosing not to be in at the moment, but is still there. The financial stability, the place for all his things, the place of welcome and understanding to come back to and see his kids when he's had a hard day at work. But he doesn't want to, or isn't able to, man up and do the repair work. His time for wavering is now over. None of that is going to be there for him unless he starts participating.
It will be a marathon. And he can either start running his, or watch me vanish into the dust without him. I don't know what the outcome will be and he's entirely free to choose whatever he wants, but I know for sure what I am choosing. I want to be happy and I will never again be his doormat and scapegoat.
