There was a moment when I was cleaning up after tea and locking up the house and I went to him while he was sorting out Youngest and asked if he needed anything (I was thinking tea, calpol, etc) and he said 'it's going to take more than a lamb dinner and you wearing a bit of lipstick,' and I said, 'I know that,' and he said 'I don't think you have any idea what I want,' and I said, 'you could tell me,' and he said 'I just need to rest,' and I said, 'Well rest. And there's no need to be cruel,' and he said 'I told you I didn't want to talk about anything tonight,' and I said 'yes, and all I've done is ask you if you need anything while you're putting Youngest to bed,' and he accepted that. He came to me afterwards for a hug and I said 'you're allowed to be out of sorts and in need of rest,' and he said thank you, then we all went to sleep.
You don't have any idea what I want, ugh! HOW ABOUT THEY JUST COMMUNICATE WITH US???!!! In reality he means HE doesn't have any idea what he wants. Which sounds just like my H. And he sounds burnt out and unhappy and exhausted. Which also sounds just like my H. At what stage will they take a good long look at themselves and pull themselves out of this abyss?
You're doing fine Alison. And I get the impatience and living a half life, it's so frustrating and painful and seemingly unnecessary. But they're right on here when they say it's a marathon. You're not going to get your H back with grand pronouncements, but by working on your own safety and security and tiny, tiny steps towards him, and then only if he makes tiny, tiny steps towards you. It's like a dance in slow motion. As I told my IC, this marriage took decades and lack of attention to fall apart so it's going to take years to repair and a lot of attention. If it's even possible.
