Thank you everyone. Yorkie - you did make me laugh. I think spousal murder would be a DB first, wouldn't it? Possibly a rather drastic way of applying the LRT.
Well, he came back. He went to his own house first and picked up a few things then turned up at the door. He gave me a hug and said he didn't want any heavy conversations tonight because he was tired and had had a really bad night the night before with nightmares and anxiety. I said okay. So we sat and had our lamb dinner and after tea watched a film sitting together on the settee. I took the dog out, we went to bed. Youngest was a bit unwell and upset so in the end she slept in bed with H and I slept in her bed, which was fine.
There was a moment when I was cleaning up after tea and locking up the house and I went to him while he was sorting out Youngest and asked if he needed anything (I was thinking tea, calpol, etc) and he said 'it's going to take more than a lamb dinner and you wearing a bit of lipstick,' and I said, 'I know that,' and he said 'I don't think you have any idea what I want,' and I said, 'you could tell me,' and he said 'I just need to rest,' and I said, 'Well rest. And there's no need to be cruel,' and he said 'I told you I didn't want to talk about anything tonight,' and I said 'yes, and all I've done is ask you if you need anything while you're putting Youngest to bed,' and he accepted that. He came to me afterwards for a hug and I said 'you're allowed to be out of sorts and in need of rest,' and he said thank you, then we all went to sleep.
He's off to work now. He's coming home at lunch time to take care of Youngest and dog while I do Eldest's hospital appointment. That is practically much better than us all going together - esp. as Youngest is under the weather - and I hope will make it easier for me just to get on with the day and not replay old memories. What happens after that I don't know. I can cope with him being depressed and exhausted. I can cope with things between us being fragile and it taking a long time - and MC - for it to be repaired between us - I can cope with him not being perfect and my own anxieties about that. All that is fine. But I won't put up with him throwing the past in my face at every opportunity or complaining about things without participating in a resolution. He knows that full well. Its time for me to put my money where my mouth is.
Time will tell I suppose. The ultimatum was against DB principles and will probably blow up in my face at some point. I suspect he will stay a couple of days then sneak off back to his own house, claiming that he'd never agreed to come back permanently and I am manipulating him and controlling him. If he does that, he is free to leave - he was always free to leave - but then I go to LRT and he doesn't have a wife. Maybe I should have been more patient - but my needs matter too and it's either this or the LRT which I am ready to do and very clear about and I would rather that than limping along in this half-life any longer with him making vague promises about the future and me tossing and turning and being ambivalent about them.
