Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason

[Rita]

Well, it was h#ll but I made it out alive. And we made an agreement that H has to move out ON SATURDAY.

We worked him down but not really to anything I can manage. I signed that I would give him 5K to move out and 3K a month after that for three months, and then we have another conference. I will have to divide my apartment in half and rent out half of it at least 4 nights a week to manage to even get close. But I am hoping my father will loan me the money for this first payment. So far he is giving me a hard time about it.

I was so desperate that I agreed to it. It was all so surreal. It's hard to get what you really want or need when you are there because there is so much lying and nastiness.

At one point, his L was screaming out in the hall that I made 30K a month on our rentals and was hiding it. This is a complete and total lie. But I would have to wait for a trial to prove it and my L just kept trying to keep me focused on the goal, which was to get him out the door.

So I had to agree to give him 5K the day he moved out and 3K a month after that for three months, until our next conference. And in the meantime the house would be appraised. It was hard to get them to say that this money was off the final share and wasn't spousal support. We managed to get the 5K allocated as a credit to his share of assets but the other months the best we could do was "TBD allocation."

I guess my first L never gave them any bank statements and my H has deluded himself into thinking he can't just go to the bank and ask for them. So hopefully now that my L is giving them all that stuff, maybe my H's L will actually realize that there is no money being hidden and that we are a sinking ship.

Or maybe not. But at least I will have some peace.

My kids were very upset even though both have been wanting this for a while. They were in shock I guess.

I am too. But I know that the peace will change things. I just hope that dividing the apartment will not be too awful and that money will come in quickly and I can start to dig out of this hole.

H looks so tortured and miserable. I wrote my friend a very dark text during the time in court saying that it was just me and H sitting in the courtroom, him just behind me, but I never looked at him. I just read a bible and sometimes got a text from my friend that made me laugh. He was telling me various things I should start shouting in court and making fun of my L's lawyer -- my L's lawyer is a real ambulance chaser and is very disgusting looking so I call him Jabba the Hutt.

It is getting harder to imagine H ever waking up and understanding what he did or what is happening right now but he looks so tortured and miserable that I am often surprised he doesn't just implode. I keep picturing how he will feel when he is gone -- I think he will be drunk a lot but I think that he will be in shock that he is not part of a home anymore. He will blame me and thus for a while he will still be able to avoid the truth. But as he was kicked out of his home often as a teen and also ran away very often, I think this is all part of reliving his youth in the darkest of ways.

My S just asked me to read to him for a while. He has been doing that lately. He is so difficult to deal with but tonight I just showered him with love, went to get his favorite ice cream, etc. My heart is breaking for these kids!!!! We have been waiting for 6 years for H to come back and finally they have to face that he is really doing this, he is really leaving. They don't really know about all the evil money stuff so I assume he will at some point tell them I kicked him out.

So put on your seat belts, here we go.

But I would like to close with something hopeful, a letter from a priest I love. I wrote to him about all the people telling me to seek an annulment. And about the temptations I have been facing recently in the context of my vows.

Dear Gerda,

Thank you for your Letter. Surely I love you and will love you no matter what happens in your life. And let me tell you, that even God loves you more because you now need Him more.

First you have to protect yourself and your family from the attacks of your husband. Even though the church might recognize the invalidity of your marriage, I believe that God can re-create new life, even after death. So keep protecting your children and family with patience and perseverance. An annulment would not change anything!

The second situation that you have to work on is your loneliness.

It is something that you now feel more than before, because of your difficult situation. It is human and natural to look for support and friendship. .... The Lord is very compassionate especially with those in a situation like yours. He knows that we are weak and we cannot live in loneliness. He embraces you as a good father and kisses you are His chosen daughter. Just keep walking, fighting and praying to Him, because He wants to help you.

It is important not to listen to the devil.... Most of all he makes you feel that God the Father does not love you any more; that is a lie and he is a lier. You are very much loved by you Father in heaven and earth.

So, just pick your your mat and walk. Keep living, keep fighting for your family and keep praying EVEN MORE. Go to church and stay there for a while, even if you don't say anything! You will find the strength to go on. And if you fall, like Jesus in the way of the cross, GET UP, go to confession and keep walking TILL THE END.

Maybe now you feel weak, but if you keep getting up, you will find the grace of God, which will renew your courage and strength.

I love you and God loves you too.

- Father Y