So so new to this :(

[DnJ]

Hello Nyla

But that's enouh time for them, today I resolve to be happy and do fun stuff with my kids and not waste anymore energy on the OW or H.

Now that’s a good idea!

When I see him to pay the bills, I will tell him that the kids should not be asked to lie to either one of the parents. Short and simple and no blaming, I thought? Any opinions?

Yes, this has to addressed. If your talking to H, I do like the short and simple approach. And no blaming is a really good idea as well. However, I don’t know how much success your can really expect asking him (remember keep expectation at zero). I would still ask H to not tell or suggest to the kids that they lie.

Your real influence and best efforts will be with your children. H is going to do whatever he wants to do. He may listen to your plea, or he may not. Your children know right from wrong, they have to deal with an entire world of people telling them all kinds of things. H is just another voice. Lead your children well and proper Nyla; have faith they will do just fine. Kids see through things pretty fast.

The fact that he brought the kids into this mix with the OW has stirred me a lot, more than I thought but I'm trying to get a grip again and continue on my path.

DnJ, it is exactly that. I'm in some weird way worried that the kids will like the OW, and that she's going to be funner than me. My kids are used to liking new people as we have had Au Pairs in the past, so I'm worried they'll welcome her into the family just as easy as an Au pair. Which she of course is not.

And what about when I have pump into her? How do I behave? Am I supposed to be nice? Polite? Cold? Mean? Oh, I don't like her moving down here.

I do understand your feelings with this. (((Nyla)))

There is a lot of worry about this new person and how much funner they are. Fear. That’s it. The irrational emotional response to this stimulus. It takes time to get past it.

A few things for you. Do not try to be more fun than OW. Just be yourself. You are fun. You are the MOM!

You should read that again. Actually I’ll type it again - it is very important.

You are the MOM!

Your kids love you.

Children see through fake non-sincere efforts pretty darn quick. So OW really doesn’t stand a chance. You be consistent and raise your kids. Be the parent. They will respect and love you.

You cannot be replaced.

I want you to get in your intellectual car for a few minutes. Really put your emotions to the side and focus on reason and logic. Do you really want your kids to not welcome OW? For her to be no fun? To be mean? For them to hate her?

At first for me, of course that is what I wanted. I was very emotional and upset. I wanted the kids to hate Mom. To hate OM. To hate this situation. But why? What was I hoping for? Of course for W to wake up. Yeah, not going to happen from that.

And then I got to see the next phase of all this. A mother who threw away her children. The hurt and pain my children suffered. I cannot fathom it, my mother never abandoned me. I have seen the fallout, and I can scarcely imagine the feelings that it caused.

As much as it stirs you, ensure you do right for your children. If, and that’s a big if, OW and your kids actually sort of get along, see it as the blessing it is. If H still talks to your kids, wants them, consider it a good thing. So many MLCers become terrible parents.

This is not about OW or H. It is about your children, and how they see the world. Do you want them to really hate Dad or OW? Probably not.

How do you demonstrate this to them? The way you treat OW and H, especially in front of the kids.

How do I behave? Am I supposed to be nice? Polite? Cold? Mean?

I get it, you are not friends with her, no more than I am with OM. How would you treat a stranger? Mean?

Demonizing her will eat away at you. It is self defeating.

The few times you have to interact with her, be polite and kind, as you would to anyone. From my experience they don’t want to talk or interact with the LBS. You are the wife and the Mom. You have everything the OW covets, and she will never get it. She is broken and not to be feared. The stronger and more healed you become, the more she will shrink away and hide.

I total understand that all this is a bit of a stretch at the moment. So for right now, really limit that contact. You’ll get there.

I do hope this helps. I know how long and arduous this journey is. I suspect your headings are similar to mine. Keep them in focus and keep moving towards them. The quickest way is a straight line through all this quagmire, and it is quite a slog. No worries, this is a marathon and you’ve got lots of time.

DnJ