Heartbroken and Struggling

[SteveLW]

Thanks Cadet. I really struggle with the DBing. It goes completely against my personality, but I am trying.

I read here that you have to start doing what you want to do and living the life you want to live. My problem is that I have lost myself. I don't know what I want out of life. I always thought that I wanted a loving family of 5 who I could come home to after a hard day's work and enjoy them. Now this life is being turned upside down, and I have no control over it. Somehow, I need to find myself in all of this mess.

Understanding that you have no control is a good, first step. This IS out of your control It takes two to make a marriage, only 1 to get a divorce. So, yes, if your W wants to you will end up D. It is time to man up, and face that as a potential reality.

So what can you control?

There is only one right answer and that is YOU! This is why the advice here is to go out and GAL. Like a madman. You should be rediscovering old hobbies you've ignored. You should be meeting new friends and trying new things. You should be going out and finding yourself, just as you say!

But you need to work on detachment. Please study what that is. You need to be emotionally in control around your W. No crying, begging, pleading. No walking around being sad, and withdrawn. But upbeat. Pleased. Confident. Even happy! Detachment is about controlling your emotions and getting to a new emotional balance. And think about it, no one should have control over your emotions, not even your W!

You mention 180s. I am afraid you are probably 180ing in the wrong ways. We all do that at first. 180s are about self-improvement, They are not about becoming a maid for your W. Or following her around professing your love. That stuff may have worked pre-BD, now they make you look sad and pathetic. Wives lose attraction for their Hs because they lose respect for their Hs. Doing her dishes, laundry, clothes washing will not cause her to respect you. Following her around like a lost puppy dog, professing your love and being sad over what she is doing to you will not cause her to respect you. So do things that command respect, and attraction will follow.

Find that alpha. Even in your posts I am detected an omega. Be an alpha. Go out and GAL. Take care of yourself and your needs.

Oh, and one thing that I would HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY suggest it to stop the MC. Today go to her confidently, not angrily or sadly, and say:

"I do not think MC is effective for me. However, I feel that I need to work on myself so I am going to stop MC and start IC."

Do not ask if you should. Just state it that you have already made the decision. Become that alpha male that is decisive, and interested in self improvement.

Now Destroyd, I am going to give you one of the things I learned in the first week after my BD that changed my outlook. It is a simple catch phrase that is very deep in its meaning and wisdom:

"Let her go to get her back."

Think about that. You can't control her. You can't stop the D. So just let go, accept it, and start to move on emotionally.

So GAL. Work on detaching. And 180 in the right, healthy ways.