I've really been upset today. I called H at lunch time and had a brief chat with him about tomorrow. I think he understands why I want to handle it myself, though we didn't really get into it.
I know 100% he is just not available to give anything, or repair anything. And I don't see that changing any time soon. I really don't. I believe that he loves me and he probably does want to repair things, but he just can't. I think he's probably quite severely depressed and he won't seek any help or treatment for that. I suspect over the summer things will improve for him a little bit, in that his working situation will be much much better, but that's temporary, and a far cry from the deep intensive soul searching that a repair to our relationship requires.
And I am just so terribly sad about that. I think I knew that once we got to the end of his major work project, that I'd have all kinds of hopes and expectations that he still wouldn't be able to meet. And that I'd be hurt. And that's where I am today. And tomorrow will probably be better and when I am ready to let go, I will, and I wish I was ready today because I miss my husband and he isn't capable of missing me or turning towards me and it really really hurts.
