So.... a lot has happened over the last week, but I'm still as confused as ever. This will be a long one!
H and I have had the opportunity to connect a lot over the last week, especially the holiday weekend as we were both home. Lots of time together, hugging, crying, kissing, and after a few drinks- sex. I am protecting myself, and truly did not read too much into it other than connection. I know it does not really change our situation at this point. H has acknowledged the hurt he has caused and seems truly remorseful. He has apologized multiple times, can't imagine the pain he has caused, and doesn't know how to live with himself. We have both been on an emotional roller coaster for the last week and neither one of us know where to go from here.
Last week we had both agreed that he should move out, which would make things easier for H. He no longer feels welcome in his home, he is uncomfortable in the day to day living. He feels as if I have moved on. Then, over the weekend he seemed good, lots of yard work, he cooked on the grill all weekend, and we enjoyed time together. He was able to fish and kayak with our S25. As we came out of the weekend the atmosphere changed. H says he is conflicted and does not know what he wants. He says if he leaves it will give both of us time to sort some things out. He would like to continue to talk, text, and date one another. If he stays, he's not sure what that would look like, where do we go from here? He does not know what he wants to do....
H is clearly depressed. He says he hates his job and is finding it difficult to find happiness in anything; baseball, fishing, the dog. The thought of leaving me and his home of 20+ years is overwhelming. He is also worried about the additional pain he will cause me if he leaves. When I suggested that he needs to do what he needs to do at this point, and although leaving is not what I want, I would not stand in his way, he said he does not know what he wants to do. Perhaps he is truly conflicted?
I don't think H is ready to reconcile. He has expressed that he is constantly worried every time he leaves the house. Am I wondering where he is? Do I think he is lying? If he leaves, he will not have to worry about these things- I feel like he wants to run away. I also need to acknowledge and remind myself that his affair ended just 2 weeks ago and I'm sure there are still feelings he is dealing with, especially since OW ultimately ended it.
As for me, I am back at the gym, feeling healthy. I've put a few pounds back on and have some good things to look forward to in my future. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I know he is leaving lots of crumbs here and there. That his suggestion of leaving and dating is plan B. I am truly at a loss- I go back and forth and don't know what to do....
