It was really hard, actually - the way it sometimes is. We talked a lot about my sadness - she said it didn't sound like I wanted perfection, only an acknowledgement from him that he'd deeply hurt me and I was wounded, and a more reciprocal relationship in terms of care, thought and attention. And that neither of those things were desires that I should work on eliminating. So it put me back a bit really. I guess I thought if I could work through some unreasonable expectations, the sadness would lift. But it really isn't unreasonable to expect that my sadness would be met by compassion from my husband, rather than irritation, anger or indifference. And that the encouragement and affection and effort I am attempting to put his way would be returned a little. I guess I can want what I want, and I need to accept that H does not offer that to me. Being honest with myself, there's no relationship between us now - other than the love I pour into a black hole. And I am entitled to my sadness, but I have to hide it when I am around him because it seems to trigger his anger. I do want to stop doing that. Which means being around him much much less.
I didn't reply to his goodnight message last night. He texted this morning wanting to make arrangements for later in the week, so I see he isn't interested in seeing Youngest tonight either (which is his regular night to come and visit). He's also wanting me to do more childcare at the weekend as he is working on Sunday. It's fine - he took care of them both for me for a full week while I was on holiday and I understand him wanting some time out to himself. But I notice that him initiating contact is to do with him getting something he wants, not offering anything to me.
On Thursday we were supposed to go together to take Eldest to a hospital appointment. It's an outpatient clinic appointment, so nothing risky or terrible, but it is so bound up in memories of this time last year for me and how much he hurt me and let me down. I don't trust myself to actually be able to focus on Eldest on the day if H is there. So I said I'd prefer to take Eldest on my own, and have him just look after Youngest instead. That's a massive 180 for me as I usually cling to him like a limpet when anything stressful is happening, but in my heart of hearts I can't see him being there helping me or helping Eldest and I just don't want to have to go through those memories of him texting his EA woman how much he couldn't wait to see her again. It's just too much for me. I know I need to forgive him for it, but every time he gets annoyed that I am hurt, the process of forgiveness takes a step back and for my own sake, not the sake of the marriage, I just can't put myself through it.
I am very sad today. Am going to walk and do some work and hang out with my kids and just try to let him go.
