He might need a key if I'm away and he needs to take ds2 to his activities, but only if he gets the train to our house. Most of the time he drives, so he wouldn't need a key, no. He might not even expect to take a key anyway, but to leave one at our house. He won't just want to see the car though, he will want to drive it and inspect it and probably nitpick at its faults because I've bought it and he wasn't involved in that. And I didn't text him a photo of the car after I got it actually. It's more that he refuses to let me see his flat so I feel like I don't want him going near my car, but that might be childish tit for tat behaviour, I'm not sure. Maybe if he asks to see it I will give him the key and go do something else.
When my H left, very unexpectedly, he took the car with him. I didn't feel like arguing with him about it - or talking to him at all, really - so I went out and bought myself a banger the next day. It runs fine for what I need it for, and if it looks like I will be making our separation more permanent, I will get a better one this summer. But a few days after I got it, he wanted to talk to me about the MOT - he'd been online and looked up the registration and wanted to talk to me about not driving the kids around in the car because he didn't like the MOT history, and he wanted to take me off the insurance for his (the family) car he was using for himself, but me still carry on paying the insurance. Even that early on in our situation I could see it was all control, and I told him to get a grip on himself and jog on. Things are obviously much more amicable between us now, but I still treat his car as the family car and arrange to use it if I am going on a longer motorway journey, and he's never been in my car and I reserve the right to have a muddy dog in it without his commentary if I see fit. Independence is a wonderful thing.
Well the other thing is that every time I give H a lift to or from the station HE drives. That will not be the case with my new car No more deferring to him, and I will not tolerate him criticising my driving either. He even criticises my driving when he's had too much to drink to be able to drive. That might be good practice actually for dealing with his critical habits! Little by little I'm becoming more assertive.
Not just that, but I am putting a lid on any critical habits I have too. There were a few things yesterday where I really really wanted to send him some rude texts about things he'd done, and every time I picked up my phone I thought 'no, drink that STFU smoothie, pick your battles'. I was really angry about what he'd done, but he hadn't done any of it deliberately, it was just thoughtless and selfish behaviour borne out of his usual impatience. So I sucked up that smoothie, stepped away from my phone and was the better person. A few hours later and the feelings had gone and I was glad I hadn't started a battle not worth fighting.
I don't think I am a very critical person, but I've noticed more and more and more how moany and negative and what a joy-killer H is, and noticing it in him made me notice it in myself - and the kids, who have clearly learned it from us. I play a game with them now, and we start the day fresh and the first person to moan, whine, blame, criticise or otherwise bring down the tone loses. We make a laugh out of it. It's often me who loses first, so I am learning to STFU with my Sad-Sack behaviour too. We have a much happier house these days, though the contrast when H comes round to moan about his job and his life and his colleagues etc etc means (and this is a bit of a shame) it's often a sigh of relief when he goes.
Maybe moving forward you can involve him in the game too? I'm sure he doesn't WANT to be critical and whingey, I think it can just be a really terrible habit!
haha - yes, he came out with us for a couple of hours one afternoon a couple of weeks ago. I said nothing, but the kids suggested we play it then mocked him mercilessly when he was unable to get one sentence out without whinging. I decided to play STFU at that point. I don't think he saw the funny side, but he did let it pass without comment.
Just journalling. I am feeling super hormonal (sore breasts for 10 days is no fun, I will chat to the doctor next week to see if there are any options) and I feel exhausted despite a lot of time in bed, depressed and in need of human touch and contact. This is so hard. And the person I would usually turn to for comfort is a stranger who recoils from me. I can hardly bear it.
Anyway, I'm going to dry my eyes and take ds2 to his activity and get some work done there. This afternoon I'll go into the office for a few hours. Maybe go for a swim or a run or something over that way. I'm taking the kids and a friend of theirs away for a few days tomorrow but I won't see any friends or anything obviously when I'm away, I might text a friend just to meet up for a hug tonight or tomorrow on her way to work. I'm supposed to be meeting H for a long walk Sunday morning but I don't know whether to cancel it or not, he will want to see the kids at some stage anyway. He is being fairly distant, ever since he rang in a good mood after his cycle and I said I was going to meet up with a friend, he has gone cold. Oh well. I will not contact him.
Just having a really bad day. This too shall pass. I will climb out of this well of self-pity and pull myself together somehow. Even a short walk will help.
I'm having a sad day too, Dilly. You're going to be okay. He doesn't recoil because of anything you are or anything you do or don't do - he's not a well man and that isn't your fault or your responsibility to fix. The work that lies before us is accepting that, and tending to the sadness that comes as a result of it. I think walks and friends are a really good idea.
Thank you Alison. Well, I pulled myself together and thought I needed something to keep me busy and not just going to the office, it was raining too hard to walk... So I booked an activity for tonight and asked H if he wanted to meet me for a quick drink beforehand (I figured he has work stuff on every night this week till I go away tomorrow). He said he has work stuff on this evening but offered to meet me early for a quick drink so we just did that. Yes, I know I'm weak, but honestly I just wanted some adult company and my friends are all away or busy working long hours. Anyway we had a nice drink and caught up on his holiday news and then he went back to work and I'm getting on with work here in the pub. The benefits of being able to work from home is you can do it anywhere I had a text from the woman I met last week asking if I wanted to meet up sometime, I will arrange something one night next week, looking forward to widening my social circle. And then I'm off at the end of next week meeting friends in Germany, should be amazing
No more deferring to him, and I will not tolerate him criticising my driving either. He even criticises my driving when he's had too much to drink to be able to drive. That might be good practice actually for dealing with his critical habits! Little by little I'm becoming more assertive.