Yes, I suppose I was hoping she would soften in that moment. I hadn’t held her like that in over half a year and I thought she might feel something. She has been so reluctant to put herself in close proximity to me, I decided to give the opportunity. It’s so painful and really hurts that it didn’t elicit a positive response. I don’t know how LBS can tolerate rejection like this for years.
I'm truly sorry, Curtis. I don't know why men continue to think women are wired the same as men....or vise versa. For a woman, it doesn't matter how long it has been........if she doesn't feel the attraction, it's more simple for her just to buy a vibrator. Unless the W's primary love language is physical touch, then I suspect the longer periods of time the couple has no sex while living together.....the less she will desire him (considering there are no health issues with one of them). Here's the thing, if her H has not spoken in her love language, and her emotional needs weren't met.......then eventually, she's going to feel neglected, hurt and resentful. If it continues, those negative feelings will breed disrespectful feelings for her H. And once her respect starts dropping......her attraction/desire level is going to drop as well. The longer the disrespect continues, the less she'll want him. Plus, she eventually puts herself at risk for some OM who comes along as speaks her LL.
I'm sure you guys get sick of hearing me hammer about her respect tied to her level of desire/love for her H.....but until you get it, and stop trying other avenues......it just won't change anything. It's her fault that she allowed her mindset to become so wayward. She fed her mind with the constant negative thinking, and maybe, he didn't do much to help......know what I mean? I maintain that waywardness is a choice. Nobody forces someone to be wayward. At the same time, I feel many H's are feeling your pain, b/c they just didn't just didn't know what they didn't know. They may be well educated in the act of sex......but if they don't understand the concept of how she must see him through eyes of respect for him as a man, before she can desire/love him as her H......then one them, at the least, is not going to be totally happy in the MR. Maybe I should stop saying respect and say "admire".
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She has been so reluctant to put herself in close proximity to me, I decided to give the opportunity. It’s so painful and really hurts that it didn’t elicit a positive response. I don’t know how LBS can tolerate rejection like this for years.
((hugs)) You just need to learn that men & women are different, and stop using methods that are not effective with her. Yes, her heart feels very cold toward you. And, I'm sorry you are suffering. Men always see this as rejection, and often times a W will go through the sex act, just to live with him. Otherwise, he gets an attitude, and then she's going to get one.....and you have bedroom problems. As a woman, I try to see how men take it so personally. But I'm going to go to another level and tell you men that sometimes, we women just get tired of hearing how you feel so rejected b/c we didn't want to have sex. Here's how the R starts to deteriorate, b/c for mentally well women who were in love when they M (not one with a sense of entitlement, a bully, etc.) there came a point where she felt neglected (rejected) and devalued (rejected), too. She tries to push this feeling down, but it is not resolved. It turns to resentment, and goes from there. So, if her heart is cold, then he needs to start by commanding respect under his own roof and see if it brings positive results. Rather than sulk for a days, he should get busy examining how he has allowed her to show disrespect to him. Now, notice I didn't say she "felt" disrespect, but showed it. B/c if she takes advantages of his nice-guy ways (and she will), that just one little example of disrespect. It's his fault if he ignores it and doesn't address it.
Think back about all the times your W took advantage of your good nature. How many times did you think it would soften her heart if you gave in and did her work....or whatever she was after. A woman will not respect the person she can take advantage of.......especially her spouse.
I'm going to respond in another post.....or two.....who knows where I'll stop.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
