I would keep DBing. At the moment, I think this process is something I need to go through regardless of MR and possible A. Maybe that will change further down the line.
That was what I decided too, that even if my XW was having an A I was going to keep DB'ing. To this day I don't know if she had an affair, but the turning point for me was when I made that decision, and from that point on I just assumed she was having an A. Because once you assume the worst then you no longer feel the need to snoop and pry and cross-examine. In a lot of ways it sets you free.
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I really need help with validation, I’m new to it and the pathetic attempts are pretty much my first.
Well weak validation is better than none, so it's a good start. Have you read Cadet's links? There's one in there on validation. Validation is seeking to understand someone's FEELINGS. Not understand the SUBJECT. So for example, she says she's gained weight. How much doesn't matter, how it makes her look doesn't matter, how it affects your perception of her doesn't matter. What matters is her feelings, why she said it to begin with. So you mirror what she said and ask how it makes her feel.
"You've gained weight, how does that make you feel?"
"I just feel fat and bloated all the time, I'm miserable."
Invalidating response: "You don't look fat! You look amazing! Better than ever!"
Why is that invalidating, because it completely tramples on her feelings like you could care less how she feels. It also sounds disingenuous, because she FEELS fat so you telling her she's not sounds like a lie to her, like you pity her and want to make her feel better. It makes her feel like you are not listening to her, and don't care about how she feels. It's ironic because it's a well-intentioned response, right? That's why it's important to understand the concept of validation, because it is much, much different than how we've been conditioned to respond to these things.
Validating response: "I am sorry you're feeling miserable, that sounds very difficult. Is there anything I can do?"
Please understand what validating is NOT: It is not agreeing, disagreeing, negotiating, reasoning, pleading, resolving, confirming, denying, etc. It is simply acknowledging her feelings, it is saying "I hear you saying you feel XYZ and your feelings are valid to me."
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It’s funny because my dad often does it to me when I speak to him about stuff - he immediately tries to help fix stuff when all I want him to do is listen - I don’t want him to try and fix it. It just comes across like he isn’t listening.
EXXXXXAAAAACCCTTTTLYYYY! That is a perfect example. We men, we're classic "fixers". I remember my XW coming home one day and telling me about her boss doing all these terrible things and I launched into a speech of the things she needed to do the next day to "solve" this. I remember feeling a sense of pride over being so freakin' smart in telling her what to do. Oh man I just cringe thinking about it now, and ugh, I sure did it a LOT in our marriage. I have no doubt it was a contributing factor to the demise of our M. All she wanted is for me to listen and validate. The LAST thing she wanted was a lecture on how to "fix" it. Live and learn! Anyway yes, that's very perceptive. When you find yourself slipping into fixit mode then try and remember how you felt when your dad did that to you.
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I would also like to know if W is possible MLC and whether that makes any difference to anything. Depression, loss of close relative, D18 moving away, SSRIs, possible premenopausal, parents divorce at young age all point to the possibility.
My personal opinion? It has EVERYTHING to do with those factors. Those were all factors in my sitch as well except for her parents being divorced (her father passed away when she was in her teens and that has weighed heavily on her her entire life though). Science and the mental health fields have a lot of work to do to figure this out. Currently there is little understanding and no effective treatments. So yes I believe those are factors, but no I don't think there's any useful info there other than just knowing they are factors. It doesn't change anything about how you approach your sitch.
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How much difference is there in the way you would interact with a MLC compared to a WW and a WAS?
There's not a lot of difference, mainly it's the timeline. MLC can take many years to resolve. WAS's can turn around much faster than MLCers.
