My Story Part 3

[Manta]

Hi Manta,

I wish I'd have done a better job of responding recently. As you may know my husband left nearly two years ago for another woman and he still hasn't filed for divorce. I guess divorce is just an inconvenient set of paperwork that means nothing to some people, especially when their new partner doesn't pressure them to file for it. It's really hard to understand the thought process of just leaving your spouse for another person and then not even getting divorced to make it official. One would wonder if perhaps they're contemplating coming back if the new relationship doesn't work out, so staying married is like a little extra layer of security, or if they're just to busy and happy in their new life to even be bothered with divorce. Of course people like us, who don't file either, prolong the process and enable our spouses to live like this so we're at fault to some degree as well.

One response I have to how you're feeling is that how you feel is important and it matters. There are many times when we tell one another, with good intentions, that we shouldn't feel a certain way, or we should re-channel our thoughts, or we should do or think a certain way. This way of dismissing someone's feelings isn't meant to hurt us, but in a way it makes our journey more lonely and painful because we feel all this pain and we're told it's not ok to feel it. Perhaps the secret is to avoid allowing those feelings to let us sink deeper and deeper but to recognize their validity.

It is dehumanizing to be left by your spouse in this manner. I don't even know where to start with all the reasons why it's dehumanizing. The fact that you weren't worth anything to the person that you love, the fact that the marriage meant nothing, the fact that you were discarded for someone else who offers what you couldn't.... All the while your spouse and her new partner are off living their happy new life together while you're left alone to mourn and grieve. It is dehumanizing. To some degree you're the victim of a cruel person. On the other hand you're to blame for being too kind. And to some degree it's just bad luck. There's some degree of risk that we all face to anyone we marry but there's no certainty that anyone will stick around. If you married someone else she may have cheated but stuck around. In your case it seems to be just bad luck that she chose to leave.

I think it's also hard to change who we are and how we cope with things. I have a friend who's husband just barely cheated. I think he asked a woman at work if she'd like to have coffee. As a result my friend exposed him to everyone in his family and she went on a major shopping spree spending all his money on herself to punish him. She screamed and shouted at him and said she was divorcing him....basically acted crazy. They're still together and he felt ashamed for what he did and she punished him badly for it. I think people such as yourself, who are respectful and kind and take a healthy approach end up suffering more because you're not doing anything to seek justice for yourself (I'm that way too). Sometimes I go back-and-forth on which approach is better but ultimately if you're not a person who is wired to act crazy then even if you try to act that way it wouldn't be sincere.

I do hope you get closure sooner than later. Your situation is particularly unfortunate here on this forum.

Thank you, Nicole, I was hoping to hear from you for ages. I always look forward to seeing your replies and also how much effort and length you take in responding to my little updates.

I get what you say especially around dehumanizing and feelings. I can't bury everything every day and pretend it's not there. My situation is very crap, where I think I married someone with a personality disorder, or at least a lot of personal issues that have never been dealt with. Whatever it is, you and I and everyone here on these forum's didn't deserve this treatment.

I haven't heard from my WW in months. I'm not snooping on her social media, as she's off FB for the last 2 months. I was told this by a friend, who said he just wanted to let me know that she posted to everyone she was deactivating her FB and was moving to Germany, also if anyone wanted to message her, send a PM. This was a few days before her birthday. It's very cowardly how she's handled everything. Perhaps, she doesn't want to hurt me anymore or doesn't know how to deal with things. I don't know. I have been off FB since last December, for my own sanity.

I admit, I did put her name into the Linkedin search on Sunday, where I saw her name pop up and also the new job.

I didn't go into her profile, as that will show I viewed it. It was hard, as I know she's living and working there with her AP now. Things could change in the next few months, as it's summer perhaps she won't file at the moment. Maybe she's still not 100% that divorcing me is best until she spends more time living with her AP. I could spend all day guessing, but there is no point. One thing I do feel is that she would have filed sooner, but perhaps being back in Germany, where her family can see her more, they might be talking to her about current decisions etc.

I still have power in August, as it will be 12 months to file from Ireland if I decide to.

My marriage meant a lot to me. I really loved and cared about my WW. We had a very close relationship and it's hard to think 12 months ago, we were looking at buying our first home. Yes, we were mourning the two miscarriages, but really felt going into the summer things would turn around for her. Unfortunately, she decided to pursue something perhaps i couldn't give her. A release from the pain she was carrying with the miscarriages.

I read something that resonated with me today.

"I need to allow God’s consequences to happen and not try to impose my own on my wife. They can’t compare to those that God will put before her."

I know that I can't control this situation. Focusing on myself and leaving my WW to her own Journey. I'm trying so hard to be the best I can be. She can't see it, all the changes I made, but I can. It's powerful. Physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. I'm doing this not for my WW, not for my marriage. When you truly do them for yourself then you can start to heal and break any codependency you might have.

Please keep in touch Nicole and all. I do appreciate you being on this journey with me. I will get there.