What she found most attractive was the connection when we talked. Before we dated we were friends for a few months. During that time we had deep conversations and really shared intimate details about our lives. We had both gone through bad breakups. It was a deep connection. It helped that there was a physical attraction, and we had fun, but more than anything it was those conversations. Over time our R evolved into an obvious mutual attraction and things just sailed along.
I don't think physical attraction has anything to do with my sitch right now. There's no obvious 180 there for me.
Regarding the hurt - yes I am doing 180s the best I can. I am taking on more responsibility at home, flexing my work hours so I can be with the kids more, also giving her a huge amount of space. She noticed I did a little bit extra this weekend, which was nice. Not because it means anything for our R, but just that it is a worthwhile 180 and gives me extra motivation to keep plugging away.
None of this may matter if she has tagged me with the abuse label. I talked a lot about this in my earlier posts and don't want to start rehashing everything.
If she thinks I'm an abuser, that may have sealed my fate already and I'm just not getting the message. Heck... she may end up filing an RO, or trying to get sole custody. It scares the heck out of me. I spent the month of April really digging into my behaviors and patterns. I admitted to some emotional abuse in my letters too W. These were primarily me begging for reassurance and getting emotionally histrionic even when she told me to stop.
Classic NGS behavior... Fear of abandonment, emotional codependency. I'm not fixed but I am working on it. FOA -- well I've been facing that down for a couple months now, I think I'm learning that abandonment is real and I just have to deal with it. In some sense this crisis is curing me. For emotional codependency, the obvious 180 here is to detach and not be dragged about by my W's emotions. Whether that changes her mind about me, that is outside my control.
